Money matters—and not just in the bank account. How couples communicate about finances before marriage can significantly impact the health of their future relationship. Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills often relay their struggles to speak freely and honestly about finances. This makes sense, as some people are raised with the belief that talking about money is impolite, while others simply don’t have (or feel they have) the tools to navigate financial information. Talking about money may feel uncomfortable or even taboo, but open communication helps prevent misunderstandings, resentment, and future conflict.

Why is it so hard to talk about money before marriage?

Finances are deeply personal, often tied to our upbringing, values, and sense of security. Many couples avoid the topic, fearing judgment or conflict. People can feel protective of what they have achieved financially, or insecure about what their perceived potential earnings are. Societally, we have a long history of revering the wealthy, studying their glamour and keeping track of their earnings. There are narratives about human worth being tied to net worth that can be difficult to shake. This can create a breeding ground for overprotectiveness, self-defense, and avoidance of the issue. But transparency around money builds trust and shared goals. Effective communication can save a lot of grief, confusion, and frustration later on.

Here are some common signs that financial stress or misalignment may be creeping in:

• Avoiding conversations about income, debt, or spending habits.
• One partner feeling overwhelmed or out of control financially.
• Unequal spending or saving habits creating tension.
• Disagreements about big purchases or long-term financial planning.
• Secret spending or financial “infidelity”.
• Anxiety around financial stability or merging accounts.

Tools for Navigating Financial Conversations:

1 – Schedule a “Money Talk” Check-In

The best way to take on the conversation about money is simply to have it. As a couples counselor in Woodland Hills, I know that a tough conversation handled correctly is better for a relationship than one that is simply avoided. If you set yourselves up for success, you can communicate effectively and set yourselves up for success.

• Make a plan you are both aware of and consent to. Set aside a non-stressful time to talk openly about money. Make it a neutral, shared discussion—not a confrontation. Each of you should have some time beforehand to consider what you’d like to say and how you feel about finances, knowing that there will be an open dialogue about them. The timing should work so that you’re both available to give your undivided attention, and not in a rush to get through the conversation due to other obligations. You can dress it up if you’d like, lighting a couple of candles and sharing a beverage or a snack you both enjoy to create a calm environment. Agree to terms about when to pause the conversation; one or both of you may experience strong emotions in relation to finances, and may feel them rising during your money talk. A pause to clear the air, get up and stretch your legs, have some water, or any other form of self care and regulation may prevent the conversation from being derailed by misspoken thoughts or feelings. Decide what you’ll do with other issues that arise while you’re talking. This sort of conversation can bring up ideas and questions about family, living environment, travel, and many other subjects. You may want to keep a notepad nearby to take down anything that isn’t necessarily the topic at hand, but which you’d both like to return to. Or, you may both agree that if the conversation veers but is productive, that you’ll stick with it. As long as you’re both on the same page, you can choose what works best for you.
• Know your own stance before you begin the conversation. Come prepared with a few bullet points: your monthly budget, financial goals, or questions you’d like to ask each other. This is a great time to share neutral information with one another and discover more about how each of you feel about finances, your current situation, and future goals. It can also help keep you on task. If this is the first time you’ve sat down apart and together to look at this information, it could feel overwhelming. Some people choose to spend their time in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions considering and reviewing these lists, some opt to use individual therapy to do so. What works best is whatever situation will allow you to be honest, in a respectful environment.

2 – Talk About Financial Values, Not Just Numbers

In order to better understand one another and why you spend (or don’t spend) the way you do, it helps to get to the why behind your habits. This kind of understanding builds empathy, not blame. Having different ideas about budgets doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t be able to make your relationship work; there are far more factors that determine if you and your partner are truly ready for marriage.

• How did your family talk about money growing up? Those who grew up with parents heavily invested in talking about money and how to manage it are often surprised that others did not, and vice versa. Were you provided with money as a child? If so, was it a set allowance, or earned through chores? Was it dispensed to you, or put in a bank? If dispensed to you, was there any talk about what percentage to put into savings right away? Did your family talk about a lack of funding, was there an understanding of being at a financial disadvantage? Was everything to do with money a secret? There are so many ways for money to show up in life, and even the absence of some of those ways can be impactful when it comes to shaping your relationship to finances. Being able to explain to your partner, and hear from your partner, can help you to understand one another’s deep-rooted connections to abundance, scarcity, and investment.
• What does financial security mean to you? Everyone has a different idea of financial security, one that will largely be based on their past experiences and future goals. Because our lives are constantly evolving, our idea of financial security can also change through time. In the past, financial security may have meant having three months’ rent in savings in case of emergencies. If you are looking to be a homeowner raising a family, your idea may have changed. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and you should be prepared to share your point of view, as well as be curious about your partner’s. If their idea surprises you, make sure to take a moment to pause before you speak. Simple questions like, “Can you tell me more about what you mean by that?” or, “Can you think of an example that could help me understand better?” can go a long way toward obtaining information without putting your partner on the defensive.
• Are you more of a saver or spender, and why? This provides space for your partner to put their financial habits into their own words, as opposed to being observed and labeled from the outside. You may gain a deeper understanding of your partner this way, and it will also inform you as to how to approach the conversation if you aren’t seeing behaviors and habits that line up with their self-perception. You may learn that your partner has a minimum savings goal, but is more likely to spend a little extra that is left over than save it because they believe that “waiting for the good things” doesn’t help them live their life to the fullest. Where you might see that little extra and wish they would top off their savings, they may be thinking that life is short and only lived once. This is in line with burning the nice candles, using the fancy soap, drinking the fancy bottle of wine. It doesn’t have to be the way you approach life, but if that is their motivation, it is an important thing to know.

Key Takeaways

• Everyone has their own individual history with finances; their own relationship with money, security, and abundance.
• Talking about finances early can build trust, teamwork, and security.
• Avoiding the topic only increases tension over time.
• As with any subject, managing expectations goes a long way toward fostering harmony and happiness. Conversations about finances eliminate guessing and hoping, and allow you both to be on the same page about security and goals.
• Financial compatibility doesn’t mean identical habits—it means honest communication.
• If you struggle to get conversations about finances started, or have a hard time navigating them, in-person or online couples therapy can help.

Therapy can help couples navigate financial conversations with neutrality and support. A therapist can guide you in uncovering money stories, setting mutual goals, and learning how to communicate about finances with clarity and compassion.

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time you and your partner consider marriage counseling, you may be feeling disconnected, discouraged, or uncertain about the future of your relationship. Unresolved conflicts, broken trust, or a lack of intimacy can make it difficult to move forward.

In Couples Therapy at our Woodland Hills office, our Gottman-trained therapists help you identify both strengths and challenges in your relationship. Together, you’ll build the tools needed to foster emotional openness, vulnerability, and flexibility—so you can reconnect and grow stronger as a couple.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!