As December rolls in, many adults feel the familiar pressure to reflect, reset, and “do better”. Social media is flooded with highlight reels, productivity challenges, and #NewYearNewMe culture. As a Perfectionism Counselor in Woodland Hills, I see the way the pressure of changing the calendar over can weigh on people as the new year draws ever nearer. But what if you didn’t need to end the year with perfection? What if you ended it with compassion instead?

Signs you may be closing out the year with self-judgment instead of self-acceptance:

• You’re hyper-focused on what you didn’t accomplish.
• You feel like others did “more” or “better” than you.
• You’re setting goals based on shame, not desire.
• You’re feeling anxious, defeated, or emotionally burned out.

3 Tools to End the Year with Compassion (Not Perfection)

1 – Do a “Wins + Wisdom” Reflection

Utilize the phrase “a win is a win” if you struggle to acknowledge your achievements; maybe you stayed afloat, maybe you made small progress, it doesn’t matter. Reframing losses, mistakes, and missteps as wisdom can help you to get into the mindset of taking something beneficial away from what happened. Even in the darkest life lessons, we often learn truths about our priorities, our values, and our desires. When you are able to look over the year as a series of wins and lessons, you are able to approach your goals with a much healthier mindset. Instead of a harsh audit, try a wins and wisdom reframe.

• List 3 wins (big or small—survival counts!). Did you try something new this year? Did you reach out and make a new connection? Did you let go of something you’ve been meaning to bid farewell to? Did you support a local business, donate to charity, volunteer your time? Did you stay in place when it would have been completely understandable to backslide; did you take a few steps back, but forge onward and keep moving? Life can be incredibly challenging. Sometimes, getting out of bed each day is something to honor and recognize.
• List 3 lessons you learned. What did you take away from this year in regards to honoring your boundaries, paying attention to your priorities, trusting yourself? You may have learned those lessons the hard way; it might seem easier and simpler to punish yourself for “making mistakes”. But, ultimately, you are likely to have come away from any struggles you had with a new understanding, or reinforcement of something you neglected to honor about yourself. Acceptance of missteps can help us to love ourselves unconditionally, not just when we feel like we’ve achieved something, or “earned it”.
• Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome. If all we ever did was celebrate the end of a journey, that wouldn’t leave a lot of room along the way to enjoy the process! It can take a lot of work just to keep trying, to keep showing up for yourself, to make plans and set goals and try new tactics. When you are able to take pride in how you tried, you will see all the ways that your efforts were achievements on their own. This mindset helps you honor your growth while letting go of unrealistic standards. Consider how you will celebrate your efforts as you tackle next year’s goals.

2 – Set “Gentle Intentions” Instead of Rigid Resolutions

We know that part of bidding farewell to one chapter is looking toward the next one. In our Woodland Hills perfectionism therapy sessions, we often discuss that strict rules, goals, and parameters can create the illusion of control and safety, but often have the opposite effect. Because of this, we encourage intention over strict guidelines.

• Try shifting your language. A general idea is less overwhelming, and less likely to create a mindset of punishment, deprivation, and failure.
  • Instead of: “Lose 15 pounds and go to the gym 6x/week” (which involves setting rigid, pass-or-fail standards)… Try: “Move my body in ways that feel energizing and joyful.” This kind of intention leaves room for low-energy days, days with aches and pains, unexpected schedule interruptions, vacation, rest, and so much more. Life can never be perfectly planned; it is almost impossible to go to the gym six days per week for an entire year. And if, by some remote happenstance, you manage to pull it off, it will likely come at the expense of things you regret. When you are locked in on a set number of days, you can lose sight of your true priorities; you may choose a gym session over a catch-up with a dear friend because you’ve lost sight of the bigger picture.

• Intentions leave room for change, setbacks, and self-compassion. You are not a machine, you are not clairvoyant, you are not solely on this worth to work and achieve goals. Hard things happen. Priorities change. Without rigid pass-or-fail numbers or metrics to aim for, you can ask yourself if you’re being consistent in aiming in your desired direction. You can look at the whole picture of a day, a week, or even a month, and show yourself compassion for the times when life had you treading water. You can also remind yourself that your intentions are the same, you are still committed to them, and that you will keep moving toward them throughout the year, in whatever ways are best suited to the circumstance.
• Create keywords or phrases that you can return to. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or off track, a simple keyword can help you refocus. For example, you may ask yourself, “Does this align with my intention of self-care?” when you are faced with a decision to make about how to spend your time, or if you find that you are speaking unkindly to yourself. When you experience feelings of guilt or doubt about putting yourself first, you might say, “I am allowed to choose what helps me pursue inner peace in this moment.”

3 – Practice a Letting-Go Ritual

• Set aside time to consider what you would like to release. Take some quiet time for reflection, make yourself comfortable, and consider what you would like to include in your ritual. Do this without judgment (as much as you can) and consider why you are releasing what you are releasing. Sit with your thoughts about how the release will benefit you for each thing you are saying goodbye to. Remember that, even if you know something isn’t benefiting you, it can still be difficult to bid it farewell. Where people get into trouble is when they think that if something is hard to let go of, it must be “meant to stay”. Take a step back from yourself and consider why you might feel you should let this thing go. If it helps, consider what you might advise a friend who was struggling to let go of the same thing. If you would feel it was clear that your friend wasn’t being served by holding on, that your friend deserved better, consider that the same is likely true for you.
• Make note of it – literally. Write down what you’re ready to release—self-doubt, regret, comparison—and dispose of it symbolically (burn it safely, shred it, bury it, etc.). You may write on individual slips of paper, and you may choose to write a word that encompasses what you are releasing, or paragraphs that help you feel as though you’ve said what you need to say. This ritual can be powerful for turning the page with grace. Learning to release what doesn’t serve you is a lifelong skill that most people will have to continue to remind themselves to utilize as time goes on. Having a ritual for this release has been helpful for those who see us for Perfectionism Therapy in Woodland Hills. 

Key Takeaways

• The end of the year doesn’t need to be a productivity contest. You are the only person walking your path, and you are not in control of every facet of your life and the year’s events.
• Self-compassion builds more sustainable growth than self-criticism, which is ultimately de-motivating.
• Taking time to acknowledge what you achieved will help you to build and maintain your own inner cheerleader; something we all need to have!
• Small rituals and reframes help create closure and emotional clarity about the events and issues of the year that you’d like to leave more firmly behind.
• You may want to bid farewell to last year and set intentions for the coming year during in-person or online Perfectionism Therapy, where you have a sounding board to help you keep a balanced mindset.

Therapy can help you explore what’s working, what you want to let go of, and how to create a values-aligned path into the new year. Through honest reflection and open-minded consideration, you can determine what your goals are and how they align with your highest values and priorities. You don’t have to do it all—or do it alone.

Therapy for Perfectionism in Woodland Hills 

In therapy for perfectionism, our goal is to understand the real you—not the version you feel pressured to be by yourself, your family, or society. Together, we’ll explore the thoughts, emotions, and underlying fears that fuel the constant drive to be flawless, and uncover what you truly want for your well-being.

Through therapy, you’ll learn how to manage unrealistic standards, embrace imperfection, and build a more compassionate, balanced relationship with yourself and others.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!