The role of self-care in a healthy relationship is often underestimated. Many people believe that putting their partner first—always being available, compromising their own needs, or avoiding conflict—makes a relationship stronger. But the truth is, when you neglect your own well-being, your relationship often suffers too. Time on your own can refill your cup, and time apart gives you both something new to talk about, as well as giving space to miss one another and look forward to reconnecting. Over the years, this can help you feel fresh and keep the spark alive. Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential for long-term love and connection.

What Is Self-Care in a Relationship?

When you form a partnership with another person, it can be easy to neglect self-care and hard to see how to make it work. What does self-care look like when you’re in a committed relationship? It means maintaining your emotional, physical, and mental well-being so you can show up as a grounded, fulfilled version of yourself—not one that’s burnt out, resentful, or disconnected. Any healthy relationship will enable you to care for yourself first and foremost, making mutual care a lovely and fulfilling extra benefit.

Signs That You May Be Neglecting Self-Care in Your Relationship:

• You feel emotionally drained after giving so much to your partner.
• You’ve lost touch with hobbies, routines, or friendships that once brought you joy.
• You rely on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs.
• You feel guilty taking time for yourself.
• You notice resentment or tension building when your own needs go unmet.

2 Tools to Strengthen Your Relationship Through Self-Care

1 – Reclaim Your Individual Identity

It is all too easy to get lost in a relationship and lean into the idea that you are half of a whole. In actuality, each person in a relationship is a whole person, joining forces with another whole person to tackle life’s ups and downs as a team. In a healthy relationship, each of you should be able to spend time on your own and with friends and family outside of seeing your partner. You should be able to maintain hobbies and activities that are meaningful to you.

• Keep pursuing your own interests, friendships, and goals. The world doesn’t stop because you are in a relationship. We get a lot of messaging about the importance of romantic love, about seeking someone to “complete us”. We are taught to put a romantic partner above all others, including ourselves. Those we see for couples therapy in Woodland Hills often relate their inner turmoil about having lives outside of one another, as if it is a betrayal of the relationship to have needs be met by anything or anyone besides a partner. In reality, one person cannot be expected to make up for other relationships, hobbies, interests, goals, and dreams. A great partner will support you in nurturing those things, will cheer you on, will help you at times, will support and encourage you when you struggle.
• Both you and your partner should have individual identities. When both partners maintain individuality, it reduces codependency and brings fresh energy into the relationship. If you don’t feel like your relationships can survive when you spend time apart, you may want to consider why that is. Whether you have been together for a long time and you’re in a pattern of constant connection, or you’re looking ahead to the future to see if the commitment you’ve made is one that will be best for you both, you will both benefit from being able to be apart. Furthermore, you will both benefit from being able to reconnect and celebrate each other’s individual achievements and happiness. It can be fun and revitalizing to miss one another a little, to hear about experiences that aren’t shared with each other. In theory, when you fell in love with one another, you didn’t fall in love with someone without their own identity. Maintaining the aspects of your life that make you you helps to maintain the thing that brought this person to you in the first place, and vice versa.
• Schedule it if you have to. Life can get very busy, and we can find ourselves putting off activities that we find uncomfortable, and also putting aside our own needs out of a fear of being selfish. You may find that you think of setting aside time, but never seem to get around to it, or you find little pockets of time, but wonder if they’re worth it. Taking time for self-care is something that can require practice. It can require setting reminders, penciling it into a day planner, or recruiting an accountability buddy. Tip: Set aside regular solo time—even 20 minutes a day—to do something just for you. You may choose to read, listen to a podcast, go for a walk, meditate, or any other activity you enjoy.

2 – Communicate Your Needs with Confidence

Something I see as a couples counselor in Woodland Hills is the guilt and shame that can come along with needing to be told something by a partner, or the insecurity bred by needing to tell something to a partner. Despite what we are often told about how “the right person” will just magically know all our wants and needs, it is actually healthy and natural to be able to express to your partner what is necessary for your health and happiness.

• Be direct and honest. Let your partner know what you need to feel balanced: alone time, therapy, a workout routine, creative space, etc. Don’t expect your partner to guess. All you can do is be clear in your communication so that your partner can understand what you need. Expect to hear the same in return; each of you deserve to have lives outside of one another, and should want that for one another. Sometimes, we fear that honesty has to be brutal, or that we will speak out of turn. You can absolutely be honest and clear while still being kind, thoughtful, and respectful. In turn, your partner should be able to listen to you with the same courtesy, as well as share their own needs.
• Give your partner the opportunity to do and be what you need. When you are open about your needs, you allow your partner to help you with that in the ways that make the most sense. Healthy communication invites mutual support—not defensiveness. If you discover that you are communicating boundaries and they are not being respected, it is up to you to enforce them or respond to them in an appropriate manner. A boundary is an agreement you make with yourself about what is acceptable; communicating your needs allows you to be clear about that boundary. If it is not respected, it is not up to you to try to make the other person change, but rather to choose your next move accordingly. In this way, a boundary is a gift to your relationship, one that cannot exist without confident communication.  … in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions…
• Confidence isn’t about aggression or steamrolling. Confidence is about understanding what it is you want to say and knowing that you have the right to say it. When you communicate your needs from a place of insecurity, you can end up getting lost, being unclear, or neglecting to mention some things that are actually an issue. This may come from a place of feeling like you should expect less. Remind yourself that you should be able to expect your partner to appreciate you for who you are, and do their best to meet your needs. Try saying: “When I take care of myself, I can show up for us with more energy and patience.” You may also bring confidence to your partner, telling them things like, “I love your passion for x, and I want to make sure you are able to enjoy it!” 

Key Takeaways

• Self-care fuels connection, emotional regulation, and intimacy in relationships.
• You can’t pour from an empty cup—prioritizing your well-being benefits both you and your partner.
• Healthy relationships are built on the collaboration of two whole people, not self-sacrifice.
• It can be challenging at first to learn to express your needs. You may choose to work on your communication and self-expression skills in in-person or online couples therapy, or individual therapy.
• Do not expect your partner to guess your needs, or assume that they know what those needs are. Do both of you a favor and communicate your needs to your partner, as well as asking your partner what their needs are.

How Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy or individual therapy can help you and your partner explore the balance between togetherness and individuality. It can also offer tools for boundary-setting, emotional regulation, and healthy communication—so self-care becomes a shared value, not a source of conflict. When both partners thrive individually, the relationship thrives too.

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time couples seek marriage counseling, it’s not uncommon to feel worn down by unresolved conflicts, loss of trust, or fading intimacy. You may be questioning whether repair is even possible. At our Woodland Hills, CA practice, our Gottman-trained couples therapists are here to help you chart a new path forward. Together, we’ll identify both the strengths and struggles within your relationship and teach you proven skills to build emotional openness, vulnerability, and greater flexibility—so you can reconnect and grow stronger, together.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!