How do you keep the spark alive after years of being together? It’s a question many long-term couples ask themselves when the relationship starts to feel more like a routine than a romance. Life gets busy—between careers, kids, and daily stress, intimacy can slowly fade into the background. The good news? That spark isn’t lost—it just needs to be reignited. We often hear about the fear and pain of disconnection, and the desire to rekindle romance in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions.

Why Do Long-Term Couples Struggle to Stay Connected?

Even the healthiest relationships go through seasons of distance. Over time, couples can fall into patterns where they stop prioritizing connection. Intimacy can become less spontaneous, communication more practical, and time together more about logistics than love. The routine of managing schedules can be easy to fall back on, especially when you are tired or overwhelmed by work or other family responsibilities.

Common Signs the Spark Has Dimmed:

• Conversations revolve mostly around chores or responsibilities.
• Physical intimacy has decreased or feels routine.
• Little expressions of affection are missing (compliments, touch, “I love you”s).
• You feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
• Date nights or shared hobbies have fallen off the calendar.

3 Ways to Rekindle Emotional and Physical Connection

1 – Be Intentional About Quality Time

When you have quantity time, it can be difficult to make the effort to set aside quality time. You might feel as though being in proximity to the person is enough, or you might both be busy enough that you’re not thinking about it. Being intentional about quality time is the first step in reconnecting with your partner.

• Reserve the time. Don’t assume a natural space will open up, or wait and see if an opportunity presents itself. Schedule weekly “connection time” that’s just for the two of you—no phones, no distractions. Putting aside technology can make a big difference in your relationship; we are interrupted by alerts more often than we realize. You might choose the same day of the week and time of day week to week because your schedules are fairly predictable, or you may need to pull out your planners every week and find a time that works for you both. However you do it, do it.
• Make it a date. Revisit shared activities you once loved or try something new together (cooking class, nature walk, game night). Most of the time, a great way to shake up your routine is just to get out of the house, even if you don’t spend money and go for a walk. You can also invest in classes or clubs related to common interests or things you’d both like to try! If you want to stay in, you might play a game together, order in your favorite takeaway, and/or watch a movie you both love, or have a spa evening. The point is to do something together that isn’t part of your daily routine.
• Small investments can have big payoffs. Even 20 minutes of meaningful time can reset emotional closeness. We sometimes get it in our minds that if we can’t do “enough”, there is no point in doing anything. In actuality, it is the effort and intention behind most efforts that makes an impact. Life gets busy and things come up. Carving out twenty minutes to talk without distraction, or to snuggle up together and feel close, can help you set the outside world aside and take action in regard to your commitment to one another.

2 – Show Appreciation Daily

As a couples counselor in Woodland Hills, I hear often that couples struggle to express their appreciation for one another. Some don’t have the tools, some did not have words of affirmation modeled for them and so it doesn’t occur to them. Some assume their partner knows, others assume their partner doesn’t care to be complimented.

• Don’t keep your kindness to yourself. Don’t assume the other person knows how you feel or what you think. Compliment each other regularly, even for small things (“Thanks for helping with dinner,” “You look great today”). Sharing what’s on your mind and the positive light in which you see your partner is the best way to help them feel truly seen by you. That is what we all want – to be noticed and appreciated for who we are and what we do.
• What you focus on gets bigger. Gratitude helps shift the focus from what’s missing to what’s still good—and creates emotional warmth. Finding things to be grateful for helps you to continue to see your partner for what they bring to your life, what you admire about them, and what you love about sharing a life together. This doesn’t mean that you never bring up an issue or concern; it means that when you do, it’s not the only feedback your partner is getting. If the only aspects of the relationship you ever talk about are the problematic ones, you’re missing out on the majority of your dynamic.
• It doesn’t have to be out loud. Try leaving surprise notes or sending a midday text to let your partner know you’re thinking of them. Set an alarm to remind yourself if you worry you’ll forget. We have access to so much technology that can be properly utilized to help us connect. Whatever you write doesn’t have to be lengthy; a surprise note that says, “Hope you’re having a great day xo” can easily bring a smile to your partner’s face. Sure, if you have more to say, you can choose to, but it’s not mandatory. They don’t all have to be ‘I love you’ notes, either. You might use a midday text to pay a compliment, such as, “I keep thinking about how delicious dinner was last night! You really outdid yourself with that one!”

3 – Reignite Physical Intimacy

A longing to experience satisfying intimacy is important to those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills, and it’s likely important to you, as well. There are some people who believe that physical intimacy drops over time, and that that drop is inevitable. The truth is that you’re never too old or too busy to kiss each other goodbye, or hold hands while you’re driving in the car, or to cuddle in the evening as you’re winding down together. If you can do those things, you can reignite your physical intimacy.

• You can keep your clothes on (if you want). Physical touch isn’t just about sex—holding hands, cuddling, or a kiss goodbye all build connection. You may want skin to skin contact by way of holding hands, or even through cuddling without it leading to sex. When you build a routine of coming in contact with one another, you not only literally break down barriers, but emotionally and metaphorically as well.
• Talk about it. If intimacy feels awkward after a lull, start small and communicate openly about your needs and comfort levels. This conversation is also a great time to be honest about any boundaries you may have. It is through your boundaries being respected that you will feel the closest to your partner. Sometimes, we feel like saying what we like or want isn’t attractive, when it can actually be the opposite. “I like it when…” is a great way to start the conversation.
• Be curious and open-minded. Explore new ways to connect physically without pressure—affection should feel safe and enjoyable. It is actually a safe and enjoyable connection that can lead to an increase in desire for intimate connection; pressure (from yourself or perceived to be from your partner) is often an immediate buzz kill. Non-sexual touch, or touch initiated with no intention of it leading to sex, can actually improve your sex life. When you enjoy physical connection without any motive for it to progress to sex, it’s a win/win situation.

Key Takeaways

• There is no rule set in stone that romance fades over time; you and your partner can keep the spark alive if you put effort into it.
• In-person or online couples therapy can help you to communicate with one another about your pain points, as well as your hopes and desires.
• Be prepared to talk about what you like, want, and need. Show up to those conversations with the intention of explaining yourself and understanding your partner; finding a satisfying level of intimacy is a project you are working on together, not an investigation into who’s to blame.
• Don’t assume things will just happen for you. Too often, with romance, we think that if it’s “right”, it will happen without effort. Reserving time together, feeling physically and emotionally connected, and knowing what works for one another takes intentional planning and practice. There is nothing wrong with that!
• It is romantic to TRY! Make the effort with one another, be brave in expressing your affection and appreciation. Be intentional in how you spend your time together. 

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

Many couples seek marriage counseling after feeling overwhelmed by unresolved conflicts, lost trust, or diminished intimacy—often unsure of how to move forward. At our Woodland Hills, CA office, our Gottman-trained couples therapists help you identify both the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Through this process, you’ll learn practical skills to deepen emotional connection, build vulnerability, and foster greater flexibility with one another.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!