We Are Engaged, But Are We Ready for Marriage?

Being engaged is an exciting milestone—but it also comes with big questions. One of the most important (and often unspoken) ones is: Are we really ready for marriage? While love is the foundation, building a healthy marriage takes more than shared feelings—it takes communication, compatibility, and a willingness to grow together.

A joyful couple takes a selfie on the beach, with the woman proudly showing off an engagement ring, both smiling and bundled up in warm clothing, capturing a celebratory moment.

Why Do So Many Couples Question Their Readiness for Marriage?

Getting engaged often feels like the “next step,” but emotional readiness isn’t always guaranteed. You might love each other deeply, yet still feel unsure about lifelong commitment—and that’s okay. As a couples counselor in Woodland Hills, I am here to tell you that it’s healthy and important to reflect on your relationship before making a permanent vow.

Common Questions That Signal a Readiness Check:

Do we communicate effectively, even during conflict?
Are our values and life goals aligned (kids, finances, career, faith)?
Can we support each other through stress and change?
Do we respect and accept each other’s differences?
Are we both fully choosing this marriage—not just going with the flow?

3 Tools to Explore Your Readiness Together

1 – Have the “Hard Conversations” Now

A wedding isn’t going to erase any doubts or questions. The time to determine what the future holds and what you want from your marriage is not when you’ve filed the legal documents. It is easier to avoid or ignore the tough topics, and understand if you just want to be excited about and celebrate being engaged. But if marriage is your goal, it’s good to know that you’re in agreement and understanding about how that will look.

Two women sit cross-legged on a couch facing each other, engaged in a serious and focused conversation, suggesting a moment of open communication or emotional support.

Talk about finances, family planning, boundaries, and how you’ll handle conflict. This is where you get real about what you’re working with. When you love someone, it can be tempting to avoid finding out truths that may be deal-breakers, but the time to confirm what you both intend is now. What does financial equity look like in your relationship, how do each of you plan to save for the future, what is a comfortable amount of debt for each of you to take on? Have you actually confirmed that you’re both on the same page about having children? Are there habits or patterns that push your boundaries? How have you prepared to resolve issues that come up; are you pretending that you’ll never have a conflict? Most couples have to learn to compromise, to apologize, and move forward.
Ask each other: “What does a successful marriage look like to you?” You may discover that you have a lot of similar values and ideals. You may each hear something from the other that you wouldn’t have thought of, but realize it is important to you, too. And you may also come across some ideas that you’re not sure about. No marriage is a flawless alignment of schedules, obligations, dreams, hobbies, and communication styles. What makes a marriage work is understanding what matters to each other and being willing to make efforts toward that outcome.
Get honest and get real. Discuss expectations around roles, intimacy, independence, and shared goals. Housework has to get done; what do you each think is your contribution to that? What is your plan for keeping the spark alive, and how important is that to you? How much time apart feels right for you both, do you want both shared and separate finances, how will you navigate making decisions that will impact the other person? What are you both working toward as a team; do you want to have a house in a certain area, to retire by a certain age, to help with each other’s career? Is one of you wanting or planning to stay home with children?

2 – Practice Conflict with Curiosity, Not Criticism

Addressing your questions about the future should be undertaken with respect and care for one another in order to achieve the best possible outcome. Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills often admit that they’re afraid to disagree. The concern that disagreement means a bad relationship is super common, but having differing points of view is, for the most part, not a deal-breaker.

It’s not about if you argue, but how you argue. Disagreements and misunderstandings happen in life. Being able to work through them with mutual respect and consideration will help you to get along even when you aren’t agreeing. Jumping to blame and accusations, or both throwing your hands up and deciding “not to bother” trying to work it out will do harm over time. Instead, it is important to be able to address that there is an issue, set aside time to talk about it, and approach it as a problem to be solved and resolved together.
When disagreement comes up, pause and ask: “What’s really behind what I’m feeling?” There will be times when the other person misspoke, or said something that hurts your feelings. There will be times when you recognize that something has hit a nerve, but it wasn’t intentional or malicious. There will be times when you realize that you’re okay with you and your spouse being on different pages about something, and other times when it’s not okay with you. Those times will be dependent on what is behind what you feel, what you want, and what you value. Understanding your own motivation will allow you to approach disagreements with accountability and honesty.
Listen to understand, not just to respond—this sets the tone for long-term emotional safety. Too often, when we are in the midst of a dispute, we go on the offensive as a form of self-defense. We are waiting for our turn to be heard again, because we are convinced that we are “right”. Or we are waiting to pick apart the other person’s opinion, so we can “win”. When you listen to your partner and are curious about what they are feeling and why, you are better equipped to work together to solve the issue at hand. The issue is not each other, it’s that you need to find a solution for whatever situation you’re working on.

3 – Try Premarital Counseling

A couple sits at a cozy kitchen table, engaged in a thoughtful and serious conversation over cups of tea, suggesting an intimate and meaningful dialogue.

We see couples in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions who are dating, engaged, and married. Premarital counseling can be a great resource for identifying your strengths as a couple and individuals, as well as how you can approach a future together as a team. It can also establish the benefits of couples counseling. You and your spouse may want or need to attend counseling together over the years, and if you’ve already normalized going, it can feel less daunting to attend.

Counseling isn’t just for “fixing problems”—it’s a proactive tool to build a strong foundation. While there may be some current issues to address, there is also likely a host of topics that you can get ahead of. Even the simplest issue can become a problem if it’s ignored or neglected, and even the biggest disagreements can be worked out if they are addressed properly. There is no shame in seeking support and facilitation when you are laying out how you want your marriage to look, what you expect from your partner, and what your dreams are for the future.
You’ll explore topics like communication, family dynamics, conflict resolution, and emotional needs. Each of you has your own history and background with relationships. How you parents communicated with one another can impact how you communicate now. How problems were solved in your home, how love was shown, how care was provided. This may have a deep impact on what you reflect to your partner and your ideas of parenting children, if that is a part of your marriage plan. Being able to come to an agreement about what you both want and how to best support one another will start you off on the right foot in your marriage.
Think of it as relationship coaching before the big game. When you see a team practice before they play, do you think that they shouldn’t be a team because they need to practice? No. You recognize that excellence takes work. The same goes for your relationship. You and your partner each bring histories and skill sets to your relationship. A couples counselor can help to guide conversations about how the two of you will build upon your existing strengths and how you will navigate your existing challenges as a couple.

Key Takeaways

A smiling couple sits closely together on a couch during a counseling session, looking at a therapist who is taking notes, suggesting a positive and supportive atmosphere in premarital therapy.

Engagement is a time to celebrate love and ask important questions. A wedding ceremony will not magically erase any conflicts you have had or may have in the future.
Readiness for marriage is about emotional maturity, shared values, and strong communication—not perfection. “Perfection” doesn’t exist, but care and effort do.
Having honest conversations now prevents bigger struggles later. Especially when approached with mutual respect and the common goal of having a successful partnership.
Attending in-person or online couples therapy can help you to navigate conversations about expectations, fears, hopes, and goals together.

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time couples consider marriage counseling, it’s common to feel discouraged or uncertain about the future—especially when trust, intimacy, or unresolved conflicts have taken a toll. In Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained therapists help you and your partner identify both the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Together, you’ll learn practical tools to foster vulnerability, deepen emotional connection, and build greater flexibility as a team.