Unpacking In-Law Issues! Three ways to Have Healthier Relationships with your In-Laws
Navigating relationships with in-laws can be one of the most challenging aspects of family life. Whether it’s tension around holidays, disagreements about parenting, or simply personality clashes, these relationships can create stress and strain even in the strongest marriages. When you marry the person you love, you are also marrying their family in one way or another.
You may have been raised very differently from your spouse’s upbringing; they might have normalized behavior that you have off, and vice versa. You may both have frustrations, but you approach dealing with them differently. Or you may both want to confront certain issues, but aren’t sure where to begin and how to be productive. Understanding the dynamics at play and finding strategies to manage these challenges is crucial for maintaining harmony in your personal life.
Common Issues with In-Laws
- Boundaries and Control:
One of the most frequent sources of conflict between couples and their in-laws is the issue of boundaries. This can manifest as in-laws being overly involved in their children’s lives, offering unsolicited advice, or attempting to influence decisions. The lack of clear boundaries can lead to feelings of intrusion, frustration, and resentment.
- Different Values and Beliefs:
Cultural, religious, or personal values that differ between spouses and their in-laws can also cause friction. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and conflict, whether it’s different views on parenting, spending, or lifestyle choices.
- Allegiances and Loyalty:
Loyalty conflicts can arise when a spouse feels torn between their partner and their family of origin. This can lead to feelings of being caught in the middle, especially if the in-laws are critical or unsupportive of the marriage. It’s important for couples to navigate these waters carefully to avoid feelings of betrayal or abandonment.
Three Ways to Have Healthier Relationships with Your In-Laws
1) Set Clear Boundaries:
The first step in setting clear boundaries is knowing what they are. It can feel simple to identify that a boundary has been crossed at the moment when you are angry, hurt, or frustrated. Taking some time to consider what your boundaries are, then coming together with your partner to agree upon what boundaries are important to you, is part of the process. You don’t have to thoroughly understand why something is a boundary or a deal-breaker in order to expect it to be taken seriously, but it is always helpful to be able to identify what you feel and where that pain point might show up in the rest of your life. You might discover that this is a wound you have moved past but that it reminds you of something you struggled with as a child. You might uncover issues that you thought you had buried but are actually still in need of confronting and dealing with.
Most often, our boundaries align with our highest values and priorities. Because of this, we can feel our emotions begin to creep up on us when they are crossed. When it comes to your children, this issue might feel exceptionally sensitive. Set aside time to have a conversation with your in-laws when you aren’t rushing, when you aren’t distracted, and when nobody is already upset about something. Boundaries should be communicated clearly and respectfully, ensuring that everyone understands where the lines are drawn. For instance, you might need to discuss how often visits are appropriate, what role your in-laws will play in decision-making, or how much input they should have in your life. Too often, we make the mistake of expecting ourselves from other people; something that might seem like common sense to you might never cross your in-laws’ minds.
There are always times when there are “special circumstances” that make setting boundaries feel more challenging. If you don’t see your in-laws often, or if it’s a special time of year, you are likely trying to get the most out of a limited timeframe. There might be certain traditions that are not only important to your in-laws, but to your partner as well. The last thing you want to do when it comes to setting boundaries is to talk over your partner and disregard your partner’s wishes. One of the most successful things I see as a marriage counselor in Woodland Hills is when partners are able to communicate their needs and listen to one another with respect and an open mind, even if in the end they aren’t going to perfectly align in their opinion. The same can be said when it comes to speaking to your partner about traditions that are important to them as well as their parents. The issue at hand is, “How do we make this work; how do we solve this problem together?” Often this means compromise, trading off, and/or a pledge to take things as they come and re-evaluate in a predetermined time frame.
As much as we would like to believe that every boundary we set will be honored without a fuss, that isn’t a realistic expectation. When you are determining and setting your boundaries, make sure you know how you will measure them, and what your response will be. How will you be able to tell when a boundary has been crossed? What will the repercussion(s) be? In order to work most collaboratively, it is actually better for everyone to know that there is a zero-tolerance policy for ignoring boundaries. Being firm about them doesn’t have to include anger, or raised voices. Be prepared to enforce your boundaries to make the most of setting them.
2) Foster Open Communication:
Encourage open and honest discussions with your in-laws, where everyone’s feelings and perspectives are respected. If a conflict arises, try to address it calmly and directly, rather than letting resentment build up over time. Often, those small issues can be addressed and resolved if we ask clarifying questions, such as, “Can you please explain what you mean? I think I’m confused,” or, “Oh, why do you say that?”
Communication is a frequent topic with our clients who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills. Because individuals are raised in different environments, they have different communication methods modeled for them. They are socialized to express themselves in different ways. They absorb different messages about what constitutes honesty, compromise, and problem-solving. Our in-person and online marriage therapy clients often express that they feel misunderstood, that they aren’t sure how to make their point, or that they struggle to feel heard at all. A lot of this comes down to agreeing on a format of discussion, and determining how you will each feel heard and know that you are understood. Sometimes, there is shame involved with this process, as people feel like they “should just be able to have the conversation” and innately “get it right”.
There can be insecurities tied to misunderstandings; people sometimes worry that they’re not “the right person” for their partner if these conversations take effort and practice. Actually, the “right person” is the person who is willing to figure out how to solve problems with their partner in a loving and respectful way. If you naturally have the same communication style and that aspect of the relationship comes easily to you, that’s more about luck than it is about commitment to one another and the love you share.
Your partner’s communication style may be a reflection of the communication style of one or both of your in-laws. Whether this helps you or presents a challenge, you can benefit from having an understanding of your partner, and apply that compassion to your in-laws. Ideally, both yourself and your partner will agree on the way you wish to communicate with your in-laws. It is as important to be consistent as anything else.
When everyone understands the parameters, then everyone can practice.
Open communication is a two-way street. In order to nurture a dynamic with your in-laws where what you say is taken to heart, it is best for you to do the same for them. Consider how you will be able to receive and affirm what they share in a constructive way. How can you set your in-laws up for success when they are sharing with you? Make an effort to touch base outside of event planning, or when you don’t need information. When you reach out simply to make contact, you show that you care about how the other person is doing, that you are available for connection, and that you are invested in the relationship.
This is an open-door invitation for your in-laws to reach out as well. When you show that you are not too busy to communicate with them, they may reach out sooner about ideas or questions they have, giving you time to process and deliberate. Not rushing, and familiarity with one another, can ease problem-solving conversations and help all parties feel that they have been heard and considered.
When it comes time to have more serious conversations, make it clear that your goal is to make things fair, to listen with an open mind, and to consider everyone’s best interest. Set aside time where no one is caught off guard or in a time crunch. Be clear about your intentions, whether you are all trying to go on a trip together, or you’ve got a regular schedule to manage that involves your in-laws.
3) Practice Empathy and Understanding:
Empathy goes a long way in improving relationships with in-laws. Try to see things from their perspective and understand their motivations. Perhaps they’re trying to be helpful, or they might be struggling with their own feelings of loss or change as their child becomes more independent. By practicing empathy, you can defuse tension and build a stronger, more supportive relationship. Consider why you, or someone else you know well, might behave the way they do and how you would want to be treated. Ask yourself, “If my best friend made this request, how would I handle it?” Sometimes, we can get lost in existing dynamics or distracted by demographics.
For example, if your in-laws have trouble respecting your boundaries, it may be because they have trouble respecting their own. While it doesn’t excuse crossing boundaries and is not a reason for you to abandon yours, you may find that you are able to weather their boundary-pushing a little more easily when you consider all the ways that their lack of boundaries also impacts them. The purpose of this empathy is for you to stay emotionally regulated, and to determine if there is a different way you can express yourself so that you can connect with your in-law(s) about this topic. It also reminds you to respect whatever boundaries they do have with you; when you are able to do so, it sets an example of the kind of parameters you want and expect in your relationship.
When you feel that you are frustrated by something to do with your in-laws, give yourself permission to be curious about why they are behaving that way. Are they seeking connection and going about it in a counterproductive manner? Are they trying to validate or justify issues or incidents that pre-date your relationship with their child? Has there been a misunderstanding? Again, none of this process is about accepting treatment that harms you. When we understand others better, we are more able to release the stress on our own nervous systems more easily. We are also able to actually solve the real problem at hand when we are able to identify what exactly that is.
For example, if you realize that your in-laws are operating from a place of fear that they aren’t making enough memories with their grandchild, you will feel differently about what they are doing than if you think they’re just being selfish. In that realization, you’ve identified that the problem to be solved is that your in-laws want to make the most of their time, and be remembered. Couples often have these same revelations about one another in our Woodland Hills Couple’s therapy sessions, as do many other people. We often have more in common with one another than we imagine we do. When your in-laws behave in ways that you find confusing, surprising, or hurtful, trying to determine where their motivation lies can help you to address the issue, and can even bring you closer to one another. Most of the time empathy leads to connection, as we find mutual ground and compassion. At the very least, it helps us to release negativity.
Having a healthier relationship with your in-laws has many positive repercussions. Friction can arise when your partner feels pulled in different directions, or when you resent your partner not advocating for you the way you want them to. High-stress events and holidays can be made better or worse depending on how you are able to negotiate with your in-laws about plans, budgets, topics of conversation, and more. Overall, your in-laws are your partner’s family, and they’re your family, too. The better everyone is at hearing each other out, accepting responsibility, apologizing when needed, and supporting one another, the happier you’ll all be.
Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills
When you reach the point of seeking marriage counseling, you might feel discouraged or uncertain about the future of your relationship due to unresolved conflicts, broken trust, or a lack of intimacy. In Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained counselors will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, equipping you and your partner with the skills to become more vulnerable, emotionally open, and adaptable.
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