Is It Me or the Relationship? Understanding Relationship Anxiety in Adulthood

Is it me or the relationship? If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, you’re not alone. Many adults experience relationship anxiety—uncertainty, fear, or self-doubt about their romantic connection. But how do you know if your anxiety is about you (internal fears, past wounds, insecurities) or if it’s about the relationship itself (communication breakdown, incompatibility, unmet needs)? As an anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills, I know that understanding the difference is key to finding clarity and peace.

What Does Relationship Anxiety Look Like?

Relationship anxiety goes beyond the occasional doubt or disagreement. It often feels like a persistent worry that undermines your sense of security, even in an otherwise stable relationship. This can make it very difficult to date, or commit, or can add challenges to otherwise stable and fulfilling relationships.

Common Signs of Relationship Anxiety:

• Overanalyzing your partner’s words, texts, or behaviors.
• Fear of abandonment or rejection, even without evidence.
• Constant need for reassurance (“Do you really love me?”).
• Difficulty trusting your partner’s intentions.
• Comparing your relationship to others.
• Feeling “on edge” in the relationship instead of relaxed.
• Confusing normal conflict with signs of doom.

2 Tools to Help You Tell the Difference

1 – Reflect on the Source of Your Anxiety

Being able to identify what is triggering your anxiety can not only improve your confidence and contentment in your relationship, but help you to experience more peace in your life overall.

• Don’t set your past experiences aside. Ask yourself: “Are my worries based on patterns in this relationship, or do they reflect past experiences?” Everyone has a past, and has gone through events and circumstances that have shaped them. When those past experiences have been challenging, we can attempt to wipe the slate clean and move forward without having actually unpacked what happened and what the lasting effects might be. Reflecting on your past experiences can help you to take note of patterns, both negative and positive. You may identify that something that triggers you is connected to the past, and not an issue specific to your current relationship. You may also find that you are better able to express your feelings about your worries when you connect that they aren’t the result of a problem with your partner specifically.
• Be ready to identify what the source is either way. You may have grown familiar with the experiences related to relationship anxiety and have normalized them to an extent. It might be challenging for you to examine what the source is, and you may worry about knowing the truth. Example: If you feel panic when your partner doesn’t text back, consider whether this fear comes from their behavior (e.g., repeated neglect) or your own attachment history. If the panic is because there is an aspect of the relationship that isn’t working, that could indicate that major changes must occur, whether those are changes in the relationship, or an end to the relationship. If the panic is because of your anxiety, you may be confronted with a past history of similar struggles to come to terms with, and individual person work to be done. It can feel overwhelming to recognize that there is no behavior adjustment on your partner’s part that can alleviate your anxiety, however, once that is known, there is hope.
• Find a way to reflect and touch base with yourself on a regular basis. Journaling or therapy can help identify whether anxiety stems more from internal fears or external red flags. Those who see us for anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills find the work of keeping their anxiety bottled up exhausting; you may discover that venting onto a page or sharing your struggles with another person alleviates a lot of the burden of anxiety itself. While being able to communicate about anxiety won’t cure it, relieving yourself from the stressors you can control helps to take some of the load off your nervous system. When you give yourself permission to share honestly, you are also able to work through some triggers and issues that have been impacting you, or identify ways to adjust your patterns and behaviors to make those stressors more manageable.

2 – Look at the Relationship Dynamics Objectively

We get it: objectivity can be challenging. We hear about the struggle to take a step back and be objective in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions. Anxiety, especially, can add confusion when it comes to determining what is going on. You may have to try different tactics until you identify a way to feel confident in your appraisal.

• Know the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. Step back and ask: “Do I feel respected, valued, and emotionally safe here?” That is not to say that, if you do feel those things, your relationship is perfect, or that you should be able to expect it to be. There will always be times when there are miscommunications and mishaps. When you consider how you feel in the relationship, try to think about the majority of the time. As often as you are able, if you think of something that causes or has caused distress, try to determine if there was an anxiety factor at play. The truth is that, in the end, there might be times when your anxiety is the defining element, and other times, your partner might have misspoken or been careless about something. It’s definitely not an either/or situation, but there should be objective information about what the prevailing theme is when it comes to the health of your relationship. If you find it hard to be objective, imagine your best friend was in a similar relationship and you were able to be a fly on the wall, watching it play out. Would you think their partner loved them? Would you feel that they were respected, valued, and emotionally safe within that dynamic? Would you make excuses for certain behaviors, or be more forgiving about others?
• Understand that perfection isn’t the goal. Take some pressure off yourself and your partner by giving your relationship space to have hiccups. Healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free, but they do involve effort, repair, and care from both partners. If you can identify that your partner listens to you, communicates with you, and considers your feelings, goals, and priorities, you can see concrete evidence of respect, appreciation, and their investment in you and the relationship. You may go through this process by keeping a journal and making lists of factors about the relationship, both negative and positive. It is important to write both down, because that is what is accurate. We cannot accept what we don’t acknowledge, and we cannot tackle what we cannot accept. If you identify something that is causing you to experience relationship anxiety and you are able to take note of it, that is the first step in determining what the underlying issue might be.
• Separate your anxiety from your relationship as best you can. If your anxiety lessens when your partner shows consistency and support, it may be more about your own inner world. If anxiety persists despite effort and care, it may be about the relationship itself. This may feel counter-intuitive – wouldn’t a persistence of anxiety in the face of my partner’s care indicate that it’s my own issue? If it is generalized anxiety, then yes. But if you and your partner are both showing up in ways that show your effort, and you can’t let go of distress about the relationship, that could be your intuition telling you that something just isn’t working. There is no rule that says that you have to chalk everything you struggle with up to your anxiety; don’t gaslight yourself (or allow yourself to be gaslit) when it comes to seeing where your anxiety plays a part – and where it does not. If you find that your partner is showing up in all the ways you could ever ask, and your relationship anxiety persists, it may be something to talk about in anxiety therapy, where you can reflect in a neutral environment and obtain guidance and support from a trusted source.

Key Takeaways

• Relationship anxiety can blur the line between personal fears and real relationship issues.
• Reflecting on whether your anxiety comes from past wounds or current dynamics can provide clarity.
• Both self-reflection and honest communication with your partner are crucial.
• In-person or online couples therapy can help you and your partner uncover common goals, address how you communicate and any fears or uncertainties in your relationship, and how to move forward together.
• Attending anxiety therapy can help individuals separate their own anxiety issues from fears and frustrations in their partnerships.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy provides a safe, supportive space to explore the roots of relationship anxiety and strengthen self-awareness. An individual or couples therapist can help you untangle internal fears from external issues, improve communication, and foster healthier patterns of connection. With support, you can move from constant worry to greater clarity, trust, and intimacy.

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time you and your partner decide to seek marriage counseling, you may be feeling discouraged, disconnected, or uncertain about your future together. Unresolved conflicts, loss of trust, or fading intimacy can make it hard to see a way forward. In Couples Therapy at our Woodland Hills, CA office, our Gottman-trained therapists help you uncover the strengths and challenges within your relationship. Together, you’ll learn effective tools to foster emotional openness, vulnerability, and flexibility—so you can rebuild connection and grow as a couple.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!