Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions for anyone, but if you have an anxious attachment style, it may feel like you’re riding that rollercoaster without a seatbelt. The excitement, uncertainty, and fear of rejection can be amplified, making dating feel more stressful than enjoyable. However, understanding your attachment style and equipping yourself with the right tools can make dating a more secure and fulfilling experience.
What is Anxious Attachment Style?
An anxious attachment style is one of the four primary attachment styles identified in attachment theory. It typically develops from inconsistent caregiving during childhood, where love and attention are unpredictable. As a result, individuals with this attachment style often fear abandonment, crave constant reassurance, and may be hyper-aware of relationship dynamics.
People with an anxious attachment may find themselves worrying excessively about whether their partner cares for them or if the relationship will last. This can lead to behaviors such as over-texting, seeking frequent validation, or feeling emotionally overwhelmed if a partner becomes distant. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward managing them and building healthier relationships.
3 Dating Tips for Anxious Attachment Style
- Practice Self-Soothing Techniques:
When feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment arise, it’s essential to have tools to calm yourself. With anxious attachment, we usually wait for the other person to assuage our fears – when they text back, when they set the next date, when they tell us they love us, and so on. Unfortunately, this makes the time that we are waiting for that affirmation seem endless, and the longer it goes on, the more anxious we feel. Self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises can help regulate your emotions in the moment.
These techniques go beyond “getting you through” until you are reassured by your partner. Remind yourself that your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s actions or approval. Journaling or saying positive affirmations like “I am enough” or “I am safe” can also provide comfort when anxiety flares up. Consider how you can make yourself comfortable when anxiety begins to rise. You may want to build a bit of a collection of things that help you out. You might want to sit quietly and journal, work on a coloring book, knit, or do something else to keep your hands busy and your mind occupied. During this time, light your favorite candle, wear your comfiest clothes, and make sure you drink enough water and eat enough food.
Soothing doesn’t always have to be quiet and peaceful. Your idea of self-soothing might involve going for a walk or a run, or attending an exercise class. Moving our bodies allows us to warm out our tension, elevate our mood through endorphins, and feel connected to ourselves. It doesn’t have to be an intense exercise to have benefits, and in fact, if you are punishing yourself with movement instead of soothing yourself, you need to revisit your intentions and come up with a plan that allows for more self-care. When you are moving your body in a way that feels good, you are helping both your physical and mental health.
Your inner child may be very loud at times when you are feeling anxious about your relationship. Part of self-soothing may involve healing and affirming the child in you who first experienced the inconsistency that had led to your anxious attachment style. Reach out to a loved one for some quality time, such as watching a favorite movie, going to an art gallery or museum, or having a nice meal together. Don’t let the “self” in self-soothe isolate you; when you take action toward what you need, that is self-driven enough. If what you need is the company of friends and/or family, then listen to that instinct. When you are with them, focus on what you appreciate about them, the attributes you admire, and the good ways your relationship with them makes you feel. Be present in their company and reaffirm the value they have for you.
Self-soothing is also about knowing and feeling confident about your own boundaries. Practice speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a friend about what you deserve and how capable you are of making choices that meet your needs. Ideally, you and your partner will come to a mutual understanding that you are both happy with about how to navigate the relationship. If that doesn’t end up being the case, knowing you’ll be okay and that you are able to move forward is a comfort and a blessing.
- Communicate Your Needs Clearly:
Do not leave it up to your partner to guess how you feel, what your worries are, and how to be there for you in the way you need. That is a recipe for miscommunication, hurt feelings, and disappointment. Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when you have an anxious attachment style. Share your feelings and needs with your partner in a non-accusatory way. For example, instead of saying, “You never text me back,” try expressing, “I feel anxious when communication drops off because I fear something is wrong. Can we talk about how we can stay connected?” Healthy partners will appreciate your vulnerability and be willing to work with you to build security in the relationship.
You may have been met with rejection when you expressed your needs in the past, whether from the person who raised you, previous partners, other caregivers, or all three. Those who see us for anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills often express fear around communicating their needs, as it is very vulnerable. Remind yourself that you have the right to ask for what you need, and your partner has the right to know (instead of being expected to guess, or left to let you down). You can practice communication when you attend in-person or online anxiety therapy; a mental health professional can help to guide you and cheer you on as you consider what you want to say and practice speaking up with confidence.
Many people don’t express their needs because they’re afraid of what happens if the other person doesn’t meet them. Remember that having needs met is a basic tenet of being in a relationship. Both you and your partner should do your best to meet the needs of the other person when those needs are fair and reasonable. If you never speak up, you may never have your needs met. You may also end up holding on to a relationship that isn’t right for you because you’re too afraid to find out if your partner will make an effort to help ease your anxious attachment. At least if you speak up, you know what your partner is willing and able to do for you.
To communicate about your needs, you must first know what they are. Don’t expect yourself to know each and everything; sometimes, you won’t know something until you encounter it. Start with what you know for sure. Whether there is a maximum number of hours you can go in waiting for a response, or a certain number of days you can go without seeing your partner, determine what those numbers are. From there, consider how possible it would be to never go outside that window of tolerance. If your partner lives in a different city, and you can’t go a day without seeing them, that might not be something either of you can fix. If your partner works an easygoing job where their phone is always with them, there is a reasonable amount of time for you to expect a response; it will be up to you and your partner to decide what that is.
Be prepared that your partner will have needs, too. When you communicate your needs, they may express different needs. Remember that any good partner doesn’t want to disappoint you. But they might struggle to find a way to reassure you without feeling like they are under pressure to constantly have their phone in hand. If they know they have a busy day ahead of them, they might send a good morning text that lets you know they’ll be away from their phone but thinking of you. In that case, they will contact you when they can. Your work is to trust that they will, and to have the inner strength and confidence to take a stand if you feel that they aren’t making the effort you deserve.
- Focus on Your Own Growth and Interests:
It can be easy to lose yourself in a relationship when you crave reassurance and closeness. However, this doesn’t actually make you any stronger or any more resilient. The goal should be to know that you will get through whatever comes your way and that you deserve happiness and a healthy relationship.
Prioritizing your own hobbies, passions, and friendships can help create a sense of independence and reduce anxiety. When you have a fulfilling life outside of the relationship, it alleviates the pressure on your partner to be your sole source of happiness. This balance can create healthier dynamics and boost your self-confidence.
In our Woodland Hills anxiety therapy sessions, people with anxious attachment often report back that having their own goals and activities is liberating. When they are able to build confidence and create happiness of their own accord, they begin to recognize how much power they have over their life. Of course, there is no such thing as being able to control everything and everyone around you. However, the act of making plans, committing to your goals, showing up for yourself, and trying again when you have a setback, all help you to understand yourself better and trust yourself more.
It’s a simple concept: the more things you have going on, the bigger your world is.
Expecting your relationship to be your whole world, and expecting that to be enough, isn’t sustainable. However, it can be trickier to put into practice than it is to understand, and that is okay. Don’t get overwhelmed trying to fill your days or come up with a set schedule of activities right away. Start with one thing, whether it’s something you used to enjoy or something you’ve wanted to try. If you’re returning to an old hobby, remember that you might need some practice to get the rust off. The important thing is that you’re doing something for your own pleasure, not how well you do it. If you decide to try something new, consider the easiest way to take the leap – do you want to join up with a friend, is there a local business that is convenient to get to, do any organizations offer free trials? Whatever gives you the most confidence and works best for your lifestyle is the way to go. Over time, you might add more goals and activities to your schedule
As beneficial as being self-focused is for you, it actually also improves a healthy relationship. When you lead a well-rounded life, your mindset around who you are makes time for changes. Sitting at home waiting for a text, you make the time you’re apart from your partner all about your partner – there is the time “with them” and the time “waiting for them”. Devoting one hundred percent of your time and energy to your partner will inevitably put you in a position where you aren’t choosing them because you want them, but where you are staying with them because they’re your whole world. On the other hand, when you have options as to how to spend your time, the time you choose to allocate to a partner is cherished, valued, and respected. You will show your partner how much they mean to you by creating time for them. And you will bring a whole version of yourself to the table when you are together.
As an anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills, I know the havoc an anxious attachment style can wreak on a person’s nervous system; the stress and pain that can occur every day when you are trying too hard to feel calm and secure, but you just can’t seem to shake the worry that something is wrong in your relationship. Dating when you have an anxious attachment style requires you to face the fear that you might lose the person. The truth is that you have work to do in order to feel more secure in your attachment. If you communicate your needs, work on your attachment anxiety with a mental health professional, and focus on yourself and your goals, you are doing everything you can to improve the situation. If you do all that and your partner can’t take fair and equitable action to help you feel confident in their affection for and commitment to you, they might not be the person for you – and that’s okay. The other possibility is that they are the person for you, and willing and able to show up for you in the ways that matter. In the end, you will end up in a strong partnership, or you’ll move on to find something that works for you.
Anxiety Therapy at Embracing You Therapy
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