While Thanksgiving is a time for gathering and expressing gratitude, navigating family dynamics isn’t always easy, and is often stressful. The holidays bring together different personalities, unresolved tensions, and conflicting expectations. Understanding what triggers these tensions and implementing practical strategies can create a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday experience. As an anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills, I know first-hand how Thanksgiving itself can bring up past feelings and pain, but it also feels like the beginning of a season of battles for a lot of people.
Many people talk about the guilt they feel when they are fortunate to have a place to go for a nice meal with their loved ones but still feel overwhelmed and anxious about the prospect. What is important is to know that you are well within your rights to struggle with aspects of something you enjoy. Appreciating a delicious meal in a nice place doesn’t negate any issues that might arise at dinner, nor do those issues negate your gratitude for what you have. It is more than reasonable to want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving thoroughly, without added stress and heartache.
Why is There Family Tension and Stress During the Holidays?
Holidays like Thanksgiving often amplify family dynamics because they involve spending extended time together in a high-pressure environment. Old conflicts, sibling rivalries, or differing political views can resurface, making the holiday more stressful than celebratory.
Additionally, the desire for a perfect holiday often places unrealistic expectations on family members, leading to disappointment or frustration when things don’t go as planned. For those who come from families with complicated or strained relationships, Thanksgiving can feel overwhelming, as they may feel pressured to interact with relatives they’ve distanced themselves from or navigate tensions from past events.
3 Ways to Navigate Family Dynamics During Thanksgiving
- Set Boundaries Early:
Before heading into Thanksgiving, set clear emotional and physical boundaries with yourself and others. The work of setting boundaries is one that is always evolving, so make sure you check in with yourself in advance to make sure that you’re clear on what your boundaries are. The first person who is responsible for dealing with your boundaries is you. Some boundaries might be long-established, others may be new. Don’t expect this to be a perfect process; sometimes, you don’t realize that something is a boundary until you encounter it. Be open-minded in your consideration of your boundaries, and willing to accept that you can only do your best to identify them. Your boundary might be as simple as leaving by a certain time, or when you recognize a feeling that is your cue that your social battery is running low.
Know your limits in terms of what topics you’re willing to engage in (such as political or personal discussions), and be prepared to redirect conversations if they become uncomfortable. This is where you have to respect your own boundaries. When you have identified that there is an issue, it is your responsibility to honor what you know about yourself. If there is a topic of conversation that you do not want to discuss, adhering to your boundaries is the only solution. This is often easier said than done. In the moment, we might be tempted to test ourselves, we might feel like we are being rude, or we may want to try to explain our differing points of view. The desire to be around folks whose actions, words, behaviors, and goals align with yours is one that is completely human and understandable. So is, therefore, the desire to bring friends and family to your side of certain issues, or to expect them to have more sympathy and empathy for your perspective. Despite the challenge it can present, knowing when to walk away or abstain from certain conversations, can be the key to showing yourself care and respect by sticking to your own boundaries.
Knowing and sticking to your own boundaries is half of the equation. The other half involves the people who are and will be around you. Communicate your boundaries ahead of time, if necessary, so your family knows where you stand. Setting boundaries will help protect your mental well-being and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
If certain topics, people, or interactions are likely to cause distress, it’s okay to excuse yourself from those situations politely. This is to be expected once you have communicated your boundaries if folks can’t seem to remember and/or respect them.
You can maintain harmony by excusing yourself to use the bathroom, or to help out with something in the kitchen. You can simply say, “Excuse me,” and walk away when a topic arises that you’ve already expressed no interest in discussing. Often, we get hung up on the idea that setting and enforcing a boundary has to be done aggressively, even if we’re not confrontational people. In fact, finding a method that works for you is the only thing that matters. By all means, you have every right to say, “I find this conversation upsetting; can we talk about something else?” And if your request isn’t honored, you don’t need to explain yourself when you politely excuse yourself from the situation. Anyone who is going to make a big deal about you not participating in certain aspects or elements of the event likely has their own boundary work to explore, and that is not your job.
- Practice Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation:
When tensions rise, it’s easy to react impulsively, but practicing mindfulness can help you remain calm and in control. Because you cannot control the actions of others, it is helpful to feel that you have control of yourself. The only thing you can take charge of in any social situation is your own choices. In this way, being triggered by someone not only has the potential to hurt your feelings or create painful memories but also undermines your sense of self when your response gets away from you. Try deep breathing, grounding techniques, or taking a quick walk to clear your mind if you start feeling overwhelmed.
Set yourself up for success by working on your emotional regulation before the event itself. A mindfulness practice can help us to become familiar with the feeling of balance; it is far easier to find your way back to a balanced state if you’re used to spending most of your time there. Regulation tactics that we practice in our Woodland Hills Anxiety therapy sessions can be practiced at any time and at any place.
This work, when it is part of your daily life, familiarizes you with the way it feels to be mindful and to be empowered in your own mind. You might choose to attend a therapy session before Thanksgiving; maybe you can even attend an online anxiety therapy session right before you get ready to leave. Connecting with your anxiety management skills and utilizing support can help reassure you that you have the ability to navigate whatever events might arise.
Emotional regulation techniques, such as recognizing triggers and managing your reactions, are key to avoiding heated exchanges. Staying grounded in the moment allows you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting from a place of stress or frustration. If a family member says something hurtful or triggers a negative emotion, take a pause before responding, and remind yourself of your goal: to enjoy the holiday and stay present. If you are struggling to think of how to respond in a productive way, there is no rule that says you have to respond at all. You can excuse yourself until you feel more regulated, you can choose to relocate and be near folks among whom you feel safe and supported. It is not your obligation to continue to “go back for more” if someone is consistently pushing your buttons. All you can do is choose choices that do you the least harm.
Grounding yourself using your senses can be helpful when you are beginning to feel dysregulated in real-time. Focus on what you can taste, smell, see, hear, or feel. Some people wear clothing that soothes them to the touch. Others, a piece of jewelry like a bracelet that they can count the beads of, or feel the texture of. You may choose a perfume or cream with a certain scent to wear on your wrist and smell when need be, bring gum to chew. You may also practice and employ whatever is around you, such as feeling the cold surface of a counter, looking at a piece of art, or tasting an appetizer or bite of your meal. Tapping into your senses reminds you of where you are in space and time. You are not in the past or the future. Take deep breaths as you tap into whichever sense(s) will be helpful. You are in your body, and you are connected to yourself.
- Focus on Gratitude and Positive Interactions:
Thanksgiving is a holiday centered on gratitude, so try to focus on the positives. While certain dynamics may feel strained, there’s likely something positive you can find in your interactions. Focusing on what is positive isn’t about gaslighting yourself, or neglecting your own needs. It’s about making choices that make the event easier on you. If you are committed to attending a Thanksgiving event, then setting yourself up in a positive way is the way to go. Focusing on what you are enjoying while honoring your boundaries is how you make the most out of any situation.
Whether it’s reconnecting with a family member you’ve missed, enjoying a shared family tradition, or simply being thankful for a delicious meal, focusing on what you’re grateful for can shift the energy in the room. Sometimes, being the person to make that choice and commit to it is a thankless job; maybe people will recognize your contribution, and maybe not. What you will recognize is how much better of a time you were able to have when you took control of your mindset. The people who see us for anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills often mention how surprised they are about how much power their minds really hold. This takes practice and isn’t a perfect process, but it is possible.
Encourage positive conversations and find common ground with family members, whether it’s through storytelling, playing games, or helping out in the kitchen together. Empower yourself to turn away from friction, whether metaphorically or literally. Sometimes, a simple change in perspective can transform the atmosphere from stressful to harmonious.
Your focus on positive interactions can begin before you even arrive. If you know for sure that someone you feel close to and safe with will be there, consider reaching out beforehand to let them know that you are excited to spend some time together. This person may end up being someone you can lean on throughout the evening to lighten the mood, distract you, or have your back.
Make it a goal to think of as many things you’re grateful for at the get-together as you can. How many can you come up with? No matter how big or small, make a note. Beyond your Thanksgiving event list, mentally prime yourself by considering what you are grateful for outside of this once-a-year evening. Before and after you attend, consider what you are thankful for in your daily life. In order to know what you are grateful for, you have to have an idea of your priorities and values. When you are able to focus on what matters, it is easier to let go of what doesn’t. Think of the things you are thankful for before you attend. Really hold them in your mind’s eye. When you return home from your night out, do the same. Consider how much more your daily life says about you than one dinner with your family does.
Utilize your understanding of what you value and what gives you joy to brush off comments or questions that aren’t positive. Yes, find what you can to be grateful for in real-time. But also know that your life is so much bigger than one evening could ever encapsulate.
We would be remiss to pretend that some of the stress and anxiety of get-togethers like Thanksgiving isn’t based on the people you wish could be there who aren’t, the love you have for the people who mean the most to you, and how much some opinions mean to you. We take the people we love seriously; we want to make lasting memories with them and experience close and happy times together. A gathering like Thanksgiving is also the perfect atmosphere to reconnect with people who have been a part of your less-positive memories from the past. There is no perfect process for tackling those pressures, and no way to avoid pangs of nostalgia or moments of remembered hurt. It is by staying focused on the present, trusting yourself to respect your own limits, and seeking gratitude that you are able to experience Thanksgiving for what it is, for better or for worse, and not let it overtake too much of your thoughts, feelings, and time.
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