Perfectionism can be a challenging and often misunderstood issue for teens. As parents, we want the best for our children, but sometimes, the drive for excellence can turn into an unhealthy obsession with flawlessness. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression as teens strive to meet impossibly high standards—often at the expense of their own well-being. Not only is negative self-talk a drain on mental health, but it can lead to isolation due to social anxiety, as a fear of failure prevents trying new things and making new connections. Understanding perfectionism and knowing how to support your teen through it can make a world of difference.
Understanding Perfectionism in Teens
Perfectionism in teens goes beyond simply wanting to do well. It’s characterized by an intense fear of making mistakes, a constant need for approval, and an unrealistic expectation of flawlessness in every aspect of life—whether it’s academics, sports, social interactions, or even personal appearance. While striving for high standards can be beneficial, perfectionism often leads to a cycle of self-criticism and dissatisfaction, as no achievement ever feels good enough. These kinds of anxiety are mentioned often in our Woodland Hills teen therapy sessions.
3 Things Parents Can Do to Help
- Encourage a Growth Mindset:
One of the most effective ways to combat perfectionism is to shift your teen’s focus from achieving perfection to embracing a growth mindset. This means encouraging them to see mistakes as opportunities to learn from rather than as failures. Praise their effort, perseverance, and willingness to take on challenges rather than just the result. Having a growth mindset means that you have comfort with not knowing, with being curious, with changing your mind, and with facing disappointment. When you are able to build habits of overcoming setbacks and seeking the learning experience in disappointments, you are better able to imagine broadening your horizons.
This can feel uncomfortable at first when you are introducing a new pattern that you haven’t practiced yet. You might feel conflicted when your teen does achieve a great result on something, wondering if it’s okay to congratulate them. The truth is that nobody likes to reach a goal and have it go unnoticed. You can absolutely still give your teen their flowers, while also reinforcing the importance and excitement of trying something out, come what may.
Consider how you can remind yourself to pay attention and to communicate with your teen. Whether you set an alert on your phone, make a note in your weekly planner, or some other way of reminding yourself, try to make it a habit to pause and consider where you’ve seen your teen display a growth mindset in the last few days. Did they join a new club, did they set aside time to practice or study, did they make improvements, did they not let a small setback derail them? How can you take note of their achievements and support them in noticing them, too? You may choose to point out that you are proud of their efforts and ask them how they felt about what they achieved. You might ask them what they felt best about in the last week, and take your cue from their response.
You might say, “I saw you working really hard on that project this past week; I think we should get a treat to celebrate!” However you approach it, make sure it works best for your family situation and the dynamic you have with your teen. Whatever is most natural is going to be the most genuine and make the most impact.
If and when your teen struggles to persevere, or break out of their comfort zone, consider how you can help them to reframe their thoughts. For most of us, we are our own biggest critic and speak to ourselves in a way we would never think was okay to speak to someone else. In times when your teen struggles to find their motivation, you might ask them to imagine they are speaking to a loved one – it might be a close friend or it might even be you! Would they encourage that person? Would they say to just give it another try? Would they be proud that they even made an attempt? If they would cheer someone else on, there is no reason why they don’t have the skills to cheer themselves on, too.
Cheering yourself on isn’t about lying to yourself. It’s about telling yourself that you can move forward, no matter what. In some cases, moving forward means trying a new approach. In others, it means adjusting your plans or goals so that they work for you and where you are right now. No matter what the scenario, there is a future. Missteps are not the end of the world. Changing plans doesn’t make you any less valuable of a person. Flexibility, resilience, and creativity are nurtured with this approach. These are skills that transcend school, work, or any other project your teen might take on; they are skills for life.
- Model Healthy Behavior:
Teens often mirror the behaviors and attitudes they see at home. If you are overly critical of yourself or constantly strive for perfection, your teen may adopt the same mindset. Demonstrate self-compassion by acknowledging your own mistakes and showing how you learn from them. The old adage “Do as I say, not as I do” is a real disservice to everyone who is shaping and nurturing people. The truth is that what is modeled for us has a much heavier impact than what we are told.
There is another positive to modeling healthy self-talk: your teen doesn’t want to hear you being mean to yourself. You might see so much goodness in your teen that you don’t like to hear them speak negatively or harshly about themself. The same is often true for teens when they listen to their parents, something you may be surprised to know we hear about in our in-person and online teen therapy sessions. Setting a good example of self-compassion for your teen models healthy behavior toward yourself and also protects them from the way they feel when you are criticizing someone they love very much: you.
Consider the outlets you have for your stress and anxiety. Creative expression can help you both explore and vent unpleasant emotions, as well as reflect and work through past memories and current events. If you keep a journal, practice creative writing, or do any sort of visual or performing art, you may have already discovered a way to manage your anxiety through artistic expression. Is this something your teen is able to do alongside you in some way? It is always important for you to take time for yourself, so this isn’t about inviting your teen to do everything you do. Rather, you might share that you set aside time for this self-care, or ask your teen if they might like to take some time to themself at the same time you’re taking time to yourself. You may also choose, from time to time, to share in your activities, whether you see a show, sign up for a paint night, or some other joint venture.
How you handle disappointment is also something to model. We sometimes get caught up in wanting to appear infallible to our children, at the cost of allowing our children to learn from us by learning with us. Processing a setback in front of your teen can help your teen see that it is normal to have missteps, to be disappointed, and to move forward from there. Being unhappy or sad about things that don’t go the way you want them to is healthy behavior. If you never show your teen that you’re upset, they’ll never see that you can overcome negative emotions. Involve your teen in your process of acknowledging and accepting your disappointment, honoring your emotions, and then determining what you learned from the experience. Sometimes, the only thing we learn is that bad things don’t stop the world, and that is more than enough. Other times, we are able to see what we might do differently if we were to try again, or what we need to work on in order to do better next time.
- Create a Supportive Environment:
Open communication is key to helping your teen manage perfectionism. Make sure they know they can talk to you about their feelings without fear of judgment. They will likely already be judging themselves. Listen actively and validate their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand why they feel the way they do. Most of the time, there won’t be a “solution”, and they won’t be looking for one. We can all relate to the feeling of just wanting to be heard, to feel that someone is on our side and rooting for us.
Encourage them to take breaks, pursue hobbies they enjoy, and maintain a balanced lifestyle. It is so easy to fall into a habit of praising accomplishments, especially when we are busy. Making a point to give your teen kudos for trying something new or participating in self-care reinforces the idea that their happiness is what matters most to them. You might point out that you admire how they approached a situation, that you respect the way they communicated how they were feeling, or that you really value quality time together. None of these things can be graded or scored; that is what makes them the perfect attributes and incidents to support.
No one person can be all things to someone else. As much as we’d like to think that our teens can talk to us about anything, and as much as we want to “have all the answers” for our children, that is impossible to ask of ourselves. Sometimes, creating a supportive environment is about finding a place for your teen to go, even if you’re not there. For the patients who see us for teen therapy in Woodland Hills, what matters most is that their parents facilitate the support, not necessarily that they are the ones who administer it.
Giving your child permission to seek help and build a support network gives them an invaluable survival tool that will help them navigate situations throughout their entire lifetime. While what they discuss in therapy is private, you can show that you support them not only by facilitating therapy but by asking questions about their process. This is a great way to practice boundaries, and also to demonstrate that attending therapy doesn’t mean you can’t still talk to your loved ones if you want to. “Is there anything you’ve been working on in therapy that you’d like my help with?” or “Can I provide you with any information that might help your sessions?” are both examples of showing that you care without crossing boundaries. If your teen says no, that’s okay. Offer a smile and let them know that if that changes, your offer stands, and carry on.
If you are co-parenting with someone, it is important that you are both on the same page as to what constitutes a supportive environment. Conflicting messages about achievement and differing models of behavior can be an extra hurdle in your teen’s efforts to move away from perfectionism or drive a wedge between your teen and one parent. This doesn’t mean that you and your co-parent will always see eye to eye and be perfectly in step; the goal is to get enough on the same page that your message and behavior are largely the same. If that means that the two of you have private meetings behind closed doors every evening to debrief the day and figure out how to better align your goals, so be it. If you are struggling to compromise, you may choose to attend counseling together to help you express your desires for your teen, understand each other’s point of view, feel heard and respected, and come up with a game plan. However you manage it, make sure that you manage it.
The pressure of perfectionism can manifest in different ways, from chasing it down on every front to disengaging before even trying. It can show up as an obvious issue, or be harder to spot, which is something I see as a teen counselor in Woodland Hills. Some teens pick one aspect of their lives to try to “control” and go all-in, others have a threshold for disappointment where they feel defeated, and some check out from investing at all, fearing they’ll never measure up. All of these are related to perfectionism, fear of failure, and correlating achievement with self-worth. Sometimes, these patterns evolve from activities like competitive sports or performing arts, or from academic expectations, physical appearance, or some combination. Sometimes, there are social and familial dynamics at play.
Whatever the situation is and however it manifests, there are ways that can make it easier for teens to navigate this time in their lives, to learn how to be comfortable with disappointments, and to know their value regardless of their achievements, their appearance, or their social status.
Teen Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA
At Embracing You Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Teen Therapy services go beyond traditional talk therapy by focusing on skill development. Our therapists collaborate with both you and your teen to gain insight into their challenges and strengths, helping them enhance their well-being and flourish throughout their adolescent years.
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