Intimacy is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and for many couples, sexual connection is an essential aspect of that bond. Yet, despite its importance, talking about sex can sometimes feel uncomfortable or challenging. Many couples struggle with communication around their sexual needs and desires, which can lead to dissatisfaction and distance over time. Let’s take a moment to normalize these conversations, explore why sex is important in relationships, and dive into practical ways to create a genuine and satisfying sexual connection with your partner.
Why Sex Is Important, and Why You Shouldn’t Have a Sexless Marriage
Sex is a component of a relationship, the same way communication, quality time, shared activities, and any other factor is a component. You may not marry someone solely for your sex life, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t care how it’s going. Unfortunately, there can be stigmas and social pressures about what it means to have sexual needs and how you “should” prioritize sex in your relationship.
Sexual intimacy goes far beyond the physical act; it can be a powerful way to express love, build trust, and strengthen emotional connection. Sex releases oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” which helps foster feelings of closeness and bonding between partners. Additionally, a healthy sex life can improve communication, reduce stress, and enhance overall relationship satisfaction. While physical intimacy is not the only way to show love, it is one of the most intimate forms of connection for many couples, and when done with mutual respect and understanding, it can deepen the emotional bond.
Three Ways to Have Genuine and Satisfying Intimacy in Your Relationship
- Open Communication:
Open and honest communication about your sexual needs, desires, and boundaries is vital to creating a satisfying sex life. Couples who can comfortably discuss what they enjoy and what they need from each other in the bedroom are more likely to experience fulfillment. Try having a relaxed, judgment-free conversation about sex, either during a quiet evening or with the guidance of a therapist.
While you may worry about “saying the wrong thing”, remember that leaving a situation alone and letting it fester is also damaging to your relationship. Would you rather have a conversation based on the mutual goal of making the situation better for the both of you, or let the silence drive you further apart? The truth is that there are definitely ways of communicating about your sex life that can foster closeness and improve your situation.
Being forthcoming about your desires and intimate needs can feel very vulnerable. Practice open communication in as many areas as possible in order to increase your comfort with these kinds of conversations. When we are able to familiarize ourselves with how we communicate best, how our partner communicates best, and the process of setting aside time to talk, we improve our ability to tackle any and every topic. The low-stakes chats are a great foundation for a subject like this, that you may feel is more loaded, or has the potential to be more serious. You may also find out that it’s not as big of a deal as you had imagined! The key is to be prepared for anything, and feel confidence in your ability as a couple to navigate whatever kind of communication is necessary so that you both feel heard and considered.
Sometimes, we get it into our heads that our partner should be able to guess what we want, or that we should be able to guess what our partner wants. No matter how long you’ve been together, it is never helpful to assume you know what the other is thinking, feeling, or wanting, and it’s not fair to expect that of one another. Whether you say, “I read something online,” or, “I heard about something from a friend,” or, “I’ve always been curious about…”, it is up to you to be transparent about things you desire. Talking about them doesn’t mean you’re obligated to follow through. Sometimes, exploration can be imagined, or discussed. That is part of how we consider what we might like to try. In other cases, bringing something to your partner and having their support may increase your excitement and curiosity. The point is that you don’t know until you take the leap and include your partner in the process, if it’s something you really desire to share.
It also cannot be overlooked how talking about fantasies can be exciting, if you feel comfortable doing so. Sending (or receiving) a text message in your day that says something along the lines of, “This is what I want to do with you…” can add spice to your day and build anticipation. If you feel like that adds too much pressure, you can also try a different tactic: reminiscing. “I was just thinking about that time…” shows interest in and appreciation for your partner and the intimacy you have shared. If you have trouble imagining, it takes the pressure off to come up with a scenario, as you are remembering a lived experience. You can be as graphic or discreet as is comfortable for you and your partner, while also affirming what you have enjoyed about your past sexual experiences with them.
- Prioritize Emotional Intimacy:
Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are often deeply intertwined. While it is possible to have fun with someone you don’t know well, emotional intimacy is more of a factor in committed relationships. Before a couple can experience satisfying sex, they often need to feel emotionally connected. This might mean setting aside time for deep conversations, enjoying activities together, or simply sharing moments of vulnerability. Feeling seen and understood by your partner builds a solid foundation for sexual intimacy, making the experience more fulfilling.
Sometimes, we are conscious and aware of how emotional distance impacts our feeling of physical intimacy and desire. Other times, we find ourselves feeling out of step with our partner, but it’s a vague idea that we can’t pin down. We might think it’s some combination of being busy, tired, distracted, getting older, being more settled in our relationship… and some of those might be factors. But oftentimes, that emotional distance is just enough to bring those other obstacles to the forefront. When you feel emotionally connected to your partner, you feel more known and safe and relaxed. In this state, it is easier to notice attraction and desire, or to respond to a partner’s initiation.
How often do you and your partner have Date Night? Courtship is something that tends to go by the wayside at a certain point in a committed relationship. People get busy, they add different tasks and activities to their plate, maybe their family grows or the dynamics change. There are plenty of excuses to stop doing date night with the person you live with and see every day. But Date Night gives you time alone to connect, to reaffirm your affection for one another, and to take time to show that neither of you are complacent about your relationship.
Emotional closeness often has a direct correlation with our desires. When we take the pressure of expressing ourselves physically and invest in deepening our emotional connection with our partner, often we find that we desire to express what we feel emotionally through physical action. This isn’t always sex in a traditional sense, but can be an increase in kissing, hand holding, hugs, and cuddles, all born out of feelings of happiness and safety that are fostered when emotional intimacy is prioritized. Some of us need to feel more connected emotionally or mentally to our partner than others. That is okay, as long as both partners are able to understand one another’s needs and boundaries.
Never underestimate the role that mental connection plays in attraction. If you have a shared passion, you may enjoy doing activities together, encouraging each other and watching your partner shine. If you don’t really have any hobbies or activities in common, you can still appreciate what the other loves or cares about. Listening to someone who is excited about something can help us to see that person clearly and increase our affection for them.
We often talk about tools and tactics to foster emotional intimacy in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions. What works best is what works best for the two of you; different couples have different schedules, financial obligations, love languages, and more. You may feel your emotional intimacy increase when your partner uses words of affirmation. Your partner may feel closest to you when you have a set weekly date night. Being able to identify and communicate what you each need is how you will be able to have your needs met and show up for one another.
- Be Present and Mindful:
Being fully present in the moment during intimacy is key to a deeper connection. Avoid distractions, focus on each other, and take time to explore your partner’s body and emotions with curiosity and care. Mindful intimacy allows for a more connected, satisfying experience, and can help both partners feel more attuned to each other’s needs. When your intimate experiences are satisfying and enjoyable, you are more likely to want to have them again and more often. Fear about having different needs is something we hear from the people who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills. In actuality, many couples discover that being present and mindful informs them in their relationship and improves their mutual enjoyment of sexual intimacy. These couples, whether they attend in-person or online marriage therapy, tend to find that even minor improvements to their attention can have major impacts on their sexual experiences.
No matter how long you have been together, there will come a time when sex can feel established and like it’s part of a routine. Both you and your partner can be helped by being present; no matter how many times you’ve been intimate with one another, those were in the past. When you approach your partner as the version of them that exists today, a person who has more life experience than yesterday, you can see them anew. You can take in the ways they have grown, the things you have learned from them, and the way your shared memories make you feel about your life together. When you consider your partner that way, do you see them with fresh eyes? Do you feel that there is something new about them, about your shared relationship, and the dynamics within it? Sometimes, a relationship is a time machine, where we are able to feel like we did when we first met our partner. Other times, we can truly observe the moment and see the person we share our lives with right in front of us.
Consider sex as a conversation. What is your partner telling you with their body language, with their breathing, their voice? How does their skin respond to being touched? What can you see when you look at them; does it help you understand what they like and don’t like? When we pay attention to what we can learn through our senses, it is our way of listening to our partner’s experience. And for your part, what are you telling your partner? How are you sharing what you like, what you love, and what isn’t working for you? Sometimes, being straightforward is the best way; an encouraging, “yes” can go a long way to letting your partner know that what they are doing is working for you. But there is always more sensory information to give when you are allowing your instincts to direct your actions.
Mindfulness outside of sex can have an impact on your sex life as well. When we fall into a routine, we can sometimes find ourselves on autopilot. With little brain space to spare, we might look at our relationship as a series of checks and balances, only showing up with extra care because we are reciprocating, or to bank a future favor. These transactions might make us feel that our relationship is balanced, and may give us the impression that we have “divided and conquered” household chores, errands, and emotional labor. In fact, they allow us to distance ourselves from our partners, where we no longer tune in to their words, actions, and behaviors.
Partners who wish to keep their sex lives healthy and fulfilling is a desire I hear about often as a marriage counselor in Woodland Hills. If you’re worried about your sexual relationship, you are not the only one. Every couple has a different dynamic within their sex lives, but we often compare ourselves to other people, or get caught up in ideas of what we “should” do, or what is “normal”. Your priority should be to determine what level of sexual intimacy is mutually agreeable to both yourself and your partner, and your goals should revolve around working toward that. Any other “should” isn’t for you; don’t compare yourselves to other couples, real or fictional. Prioritize being on the same page and taking steps together to have genuine and satisfying intimacy.
Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills
When you finally decide to pursue marriage counseling, it’s common to feel discouraged or uncertain about your relationship’s future due to unresolved issues, broken trust, or a loss of intimacy. At Embracing You Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained couples counselors will help you identify both the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Together, you and your partner will learn valuable relationship skills to foster vulnerability, emotional openness, and flexibility.Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!
