When your marriage is struggling and in a difficult phase, it can feel like it is hard to make it work. While love may bring two people together, maintaining a happy and lasting partnership requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to evolve. The question of what makes a marriage work has been studied by experts, discussed in therapy rooms, and pondered by couples everywhere. In this post, we explore the key components of a thriving marriage and offer actionable insights to strengthen your bond.

The Foundation of a Strong Marriage: Emotional Safety

At the heart of any successful marriage is emotional safety. This concept refers to the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, rejection, or retaliation. Emotional safety fosters trust and intimacy, creating a space where both partners feel valued and heard. When one or both partners do not feel emotionally safe with the other, it can lead to a divide in communication, a breakdown of sexual intimacy, heightened stress, and emotional frustration.

Building emotional safety involves consistent communication, active listening, and empathy. It also requires self-awareness and accountability. When couples prioritize emotional safety, they create a solid foundation for navigating challenges, resolving conflicts, and deepening their connection.

Three Things That Make Marriage Work

1. Effective Communication:

Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and it doesn’t mean speaking and hearing. The way you and your spouse communicate with one another sets the tone for your entire relationship; it dictates how organized and collaborative you feel, how understood you feel, and how supported you feel. In marriage, it’s essential to practice open, honest, and respectful dialogue. This includes:

• Active Listening: Truly hear what your partner is saying without interrupting or planning your response. Active listening takes a lot of practice and can be trickier than we would think. A lot of time is spent in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions practicing active listening; sometimes it takes a neutral third person to notice communication patterns that aren’t working for you and your partner. For important conversations, try to set aside a time that will work for both of you, where you don’t have distractions to get in the way. Being in a rush is setting yourself up to misspeak and misunderstand. If and when something urgent comes up with no time to set aside and wait, take a breath, put down any distractions, and remind yourself to listen with the intent to learn and understand.
• Clarity: Be clear and direct about your needs and feelings. Asking your spouse to guess how you feel, or hinting at something because you’re uncomfortable stating it out loud, isn’t doing your partner kindness. Sometimes, we aren’t sure how to articulate what we feel, so we don’t say anything at all. In actuality, those are the times when you say, “I’m struggling with something and I’m not sure how to put it into words. I’m not trying to keep anything from you.” You can be clear about being unsure, about needing more time to think, about being conflicted. If you are direct and transparent most of the time, these one-offs won’t do damage. This consistency will build trust with your spouse that when something needs to be said, you’ll say it.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and expressions, as they can convey just as much as words. This means being aware of your own body language, and your partner’s as well. When we use or pay attention to body language in good faith, that means we do our best to ensure that we aren’t giving opposite messages with our words and with our physicality. It also means that we pay attention to our spouse’s demeanor and facial expressions. Yes, in a perfect world, our partner would always feel comfortable talking about their feelings. But sometimes, when our partner can’t seem to speak up for some reason, it is caring to take note of any perceived sadness and just check in, “How are you doing today, honey?” or, “Anything I can help you with?” can go a long way toward your partner feeling that you are considering them, thus making it easier for them to open up and share.

2. Shared Goals and Values:

You do not have to have everything in common with your spouse, nor do you have to do everything together. However, a sense of shared purpose strengthens marital bonds. The mindset of “a rising tide lifts all boats” can and should apply when couples are looking at one another’s success stories, happiness, health, and future plans. The most ideal world is one in which both you and your partner are doing well, individually and as a team. When couples align on their goals and values, they create a roadmap for their life together. This could include:

• Financial planning and career aspirations: You and your spouse are in a partnership where your finances and careers impact each other’s standard of living. How do you each feel about equality when it comes to finances? If one of you earns more than the other, do you divide bills according to income? For example, if one of you makes 30% of what the other makes, that person pays 30% of the bills, as opposed to a 50/50 split. Not everyone wants to operate this way; some spouses cover 100% of the bills because their partner is a stay-at-home parent, or because they earn enough to facilitate it and they enjoy taking care of their partner. As long as these relationships don’t become transactional and they work for both parties, there is nothing wrong with them.
• Parenting philosophies: If you have children, the way you decide to raise them is going to be one of the ongoing themes of your marriage. While the goal you both share is that you want to raise a happy, healthy, and confident person who can go out in the world feeling prepared and resilient, your ideas of how to get there may differ. Some people find that there are minor differences with their partner, and others find that the chasm is exceptionally wide. The place to begin is that you both acknowledge that neither of you is trying to harm your child in any way.
  You and your partner may have ideas about what you think is best and why. It is important for each of you to express where you are coming from being direct, honest, and respectful. The other person is best served by listening to their spouse’s reasons. When you respond, consider how to do so without judgment. This can be a tricky path to walk; if your spouse is mimicking a way they were raised, criticism of their idea can also be taken as criticism of their parent(s), which is a whole other can of worms. Rather than commenting on how effective you think that strategy may or may not have been, ask your spouse why they felt that worked best for them.
• Priorities: Each of you should be prioritizing time for family, friends, and personal growth, and support one another in these endeavors. Recognize and appreciate that you may have similar priorities, even if they’re not identical. It is also essential to realize that you cannot be your partner’s priority 100% of the time, nor can they be yours. Yes, overall, you have chosen to live your life with this person. More often than not, you will be choosing actions and patterns that benefit your relationship with one another. However, a friend in crisis is a higher priority than your partner on a random Tuesday; a friend who just wants to meet up is a higher priority if you haven’t seen them in a while. Remaining conscientious of the other people and activities in your life outside your spouse doesn’t mean that you drop your spouse at random, but that you are making space for them when it’s been too long between catch-ups, or when the situation is dire.

3. Commitment to Growth:

There is an idea of meeting someone who is “perfect for you” and letting your compatibility sustain the relationship. It is true that there are some people who meet and things just happen to go relatively easily when it comes to communication, compromise, and moving forward together. But for most people, commitment to one another is an active choice that requires maintenance.

Some people meet their partner when they are very young, and some people meet their partner later in life. When you think back over your life, whether you were single or coupled up, you can likely identify the way your goals and ideals shifted over time. We are at our best when we are open to learning and adapting to new information. A solid relationship relies on being determined to accept one another as you are at any given point. Whether individually or together, there are steps that can be taken to ensure that you are both progressing and that your intended outcomes align. A thriving marriage involves ongoing personal and relational growth because a thriving life involves the same in each individual. When it comes to making this happen in a partnership, it looks like:

• Invest in the Relationship: A relationship doesn’t sustain itself on memories alone. Sure, you can keep on keeping on just for the sake of staying together, but that isn’t how you explore together and continue to show yourself and your partner that you are committed. Make time for date nights, shared hobbies, and moments of connection, no matter how busy you are or how long you’ve been together. When you make time for a date night, it shows that you are still interested in your partner and that you are aware that your partner is still a living and evolving creature. When you stop spending quality time together, you pause your understanding of one another at the last point where you were really listening to each other.
  You may also choose to attend in-person or online couples therapy to continue to practice collaborative and problem-solving skills as a team. I see many different types of clients as a couples counselor in Woodland Hills; making time and space to get guidance can benefit anyone who is willing to do the work. In couples therapy, you might find it easier to speak openly about your desires for the relationship, as well as articulate how to go about making a plan that works for both of you.
• Prioritize Self-Improvement: Work on your own emotional health, habits, and skills to be a better partner. The happier you are in your own skin, the more honest you are with yourself about where you’re at, the more capable you will be of addressing what needs to be addressed without backing out or being overly defensive. Each of you has a responsibility to take care of yourself and set yourself up to be self-aware and responsible for your own actions. In this way, you each know that the person coming to the table is showing up with authenticity and integrity. It doesn’t mean that now you won’t ever disagree, or have hard days, nor does it mean that you won’t collaborate when it comes to troubleshooting and resolving conflict. Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills may also attend individual therapy in order to confront the things that are holding them back. Both can work in tandem.
• Have Resilience in Conflict: It can be so difficult to feel as though you and your partner are growing together when you disagree about something, but the truth is that all couples have differing points of view at times. Provided yours aren’t deal breakers, the best way to handle them is to accept that they will happen and commit to navigating them as graciously as you can. Approach disagreements as opportunities to grow rather than as battles to win, because when you’re both set on being the “victor” of any dispute, you both lose. You’re on the same team, even if you’re not of the same mind about something. How can you explain your stance to your partner without condescension? How can you ensure that you are being proactive and productive? Similarly, what steps can you take to truly hear your partner out and consider their perspective? And if your pride is a little hurt by some truth you need to accept, how will you come back from that?

If your marriage is struggling, the first place to look is your sense of emotional safety. If you and your spouse feel emotionally safe with one another, any further action that is needed can be taken from a place of collaboration and mutual respect. While implementing changes to communication, priority-setting, and your investments in the relationship can feel daunting at first, the key is to remember to come from a place of creating a safe environment for one another to try and struggle and fail and try again. This is how you will remain resilient as a couple so that you can overcome any obstacles that come your way, paving the way for a strong and happy marriage.

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time you consider seeking marriage counseling, you and your partner may feel discouraged or uncertain about your relationship’s future, often due to lingering conflicts, trust issues, or diminished intimacy. At Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained counselors can help you identify your relationship’s strengths and challenges, guiding you in developing essential skills to foster greater vulnerability, emotional openness, and flexibility between you and your partner.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!