As the new school year approaches, excitement and anticipation often mix with feelings of anxiety and pressure. For many students, the start of school brings up concerns about meeting expectations, achieving perfect grades, and fitting in socially. These worries can spiral into perfectionism and anxiety, creating an overwhelming sense of dread rather than the joy of new beginnings.
Parents of teens and teens alike can take on the stress of this issue, which can also increase tensions between the two parties. Let’s explore how perfectionism and anxiety often go hand-in-hand during the back-to-school season and provide three practical strategies for managing these feelings to create a balanced, fulfilling school year.
Understanding Perfectionism and Anxiety
Perfectionism is the tendency to set unrealistically high standards for oneself and to strive for flawlessness in all areas of life. While it can drive students to excel, it often comes with a heavy cost. The constant pursuit of perfection can lead to anxiety, a sense of inadequacy, and burnout. Anxiety, in this context, is the overwhelming fear of failing to meet these self-imposed or external expectations, which can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, and difficulty sleeping, as well as emotional symptoms such as irritability, sadness, and withdrawal.
Students prone to perfectionism might fear making mistakes, disappointing others, or falling short of their goals. This fear can turn into a paralyzing anxiety that affects their academic performance, social interactions, and overall well-being. When students believe that only perfection is acceptable, they may avoid trying new things, take fewer risks, or become excessively self-critical, leading to a cycle of stress and reduced self-confidence.
3 Ways to Manage Perfectionism and Anxiety in the New School Year
- Set Realistic Goals:
Instead of aiming for perfection, we encourage students to set achievable, realistic goals. Break down large tasks into smaller, manageable steps to prevent overwhelming feelings. For example, instead of expecting straight A’s, focus on improving specific skills or mastering a challenging subject. You can even set goals around how many attempts you make, how often you show up, and even your attitude around a challenge. You may not be able to get a perfect score on something, but you do have control over how you speak to yourself while you’re working on it.
One aspect of setting realistic goals is reframing the way you see the journey. Perfectionism tells us that there is only one thing to celebrate: the final success. Celebrating milestones along the way not only makes the project more fun, but also builds confidence as you go. Realistic goal-setting is also about planning to have setbacks and/or failures. How will you recover from disappointment? What words of affirmation can you say to yourself so that you are able to move forward? Parents and teens can decide on some phrases together, so that there is always someone ready to remember what’s important. For example, if the child is struggling to say, “I tried something new, and that was a great step,” a parent can come in to say, “You tried something new, and that was a great step.” It is a normal experience to struggle, to stumble, and to fail.
When you break down a goal into smaller parts, make sure that you include the parts you don’t think of. Often, we skip over the things we already know well; these skills become a blind spot in our self-awareness. If a term project involves drawing, and the student doing the project is a talented artist, include that in the breakdown of the plan. Completing the drawings will deserve just as much recognition as the research and the writing. Celebrating what we already know how to do reminds us of the whole picture and prevents us from taking our skills for granted.
Goal-setting can require some specific planning. Learning how to utilize a calendar or planner can take a lot of stress out of your routine. With a written planner, you can physically map out the steps that need to be taken and find out where they fit. Being able to visualize where obligations like school and work are allows you to see the space(s) for each part of a task, as well as where you can rest, relax, and make time for socialization.
Make sure you set goals that have nothing to do with grades, medals, or anything that might end up on a resume. There is so much more to life and growing up than checkmarks on a list of qualifications. Anyone who struggles with perfectionism should set goals that expand their minds and increase their happiness.
Examples of these kinds of goals can include making a new connection, trying an activity for no purpose other than pleasure, or learning something new about a classmate. All of these kinds of goals push you to grow your social circle, deepen your understanding of the people around you, and give yourself permission to do things for enjoyment. Learning how to connect with others, learning how to try something new, practicing understanding, compassion, and empathy, these are all life skills. The difference with these life skills is that their benefits are cumulative and subtle; you won’t get a final grade on a piece of paper in the mail. You might not even be fully aware of how they have improved your life. But they are worth practicing, and just as valuable as what your grade might be in one semester of physics in high school.
- Practice Self-Compassion:
It is important to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that these are opportunities for growth, not failures. By practicing self-compassion, students can reduce their pressure on themselves, making it easier to bounce back from setbacks and maintain a healthy perspective on their achievements.
As an anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills, I see that so many young people have the capacity for compassion when it comes to others. They display empathy and understanding, they consider other points of view, and they can imagine why someone might behave in a certain way or have a certain belief. Where people with perfectionism struggle is when it comes to showing themselves that same understanding and grace. A standard begins to emerge, wherein other people are deserving of second chances, forgiveness, and leniency, but not them.
The trick of pretending you are speaking to a friend is one we often utilize when confronting self-criticism in anxiety therapy. If you wouldn’t be tough on a loved one about something, chances are you should show yourself the same courtesy. Because it can feel more natural to comfort another person than it does to comfort yourself, we encourage anyone who is struggling with self-compassion to first imagine they are talking to someone else. “You do not have to be perfect in order for me to care about you,” might be something easily said to a friend, but more difficult to express when looking in a mirror. With practice, we are able to speak to someone we imagine, and then repeat those words to ourselves. Over time, we learn to skip the middleman and go straight to reassuring ourselves with words of kindness and encouragement.
Self-compassion doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and speaking kind affirmations to oneself isn’t the only way to get there. A great way to have self-compassion is to show yourself care. A self-care routine not only benefits your mental and physical health, but it strengthens self-respect. It is difficult to mistreat someone or something you have invested time and effort into caring for. When we care for ourselves on a regular basis, we wire our brains to expect self-care. When we care about ourselves, we are more able to show ourselves forgiveness and compassion.
Breaking the cycle of self-flagellation is aided not only by the way we speak to ourselves and think about ourselves, but what we do when we don’t achieve a goal. If the instinct is to isolate, then the opposite action is to reach out and connect with loved ones who bring happiness to your life. If your previous pattern was to punish yourself in some way, the opposite action would be one of rewarding yourself. It can be something small, like doing a face mask and watching a comfort film, or something bigger, like going somewhere that inspires you. For example, if you didn’t achieve what you wanted to in art class, you might go to a gallery to see the variety and diversity of work that is considered art. Think of emotional well-being as a hill to climb. When we have a misstep and punish ourselves, we take several steps back down the hill. We will have to climb out of that deficit just to get back to where we were. In contrast, support and comfort help us to at least stay near where we were, if not giving us a boost up the hill a little.
- Develop Healthy Coping Strategies:
A game-changer in managing perfectionism is figuring out how to equip students with the tools to deal with stress and anxiety in healthy ways. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and physical activity can help calm the mind and reduce anxiety. The goal is to put these strategies in place to stave off the negative experiences, and before they become overwhelming. There are coping strategies that can cause harm and do more damage that can be easy to turn to if you don’t have a routine in place of how to take on challenging times.
A foundation of basic self-care as a routine facilitates coping strategies. When eating, resting, and hydrating are non-negotiables, you can add relaxation, fun hobbies, moving your body, and other healthy coping mechanisms on top of your daily habits. It is harder to go for a run when you are sleep-deprived, or hungry. A strong self-care routine regulates schedules and the nervous system, with habits like going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day, bringing a water bottle with you to refill throughout the day, making sure you have enough to eat with you when you leave the house for school.
Students need space to vent their frustrations and fears. Journaling is a great way to take time to yourself and process what is on your mind. Learning how to journal can help you develop your self-awareness, and better understand your thoughts and feelings. This is a skill that you will never grow out of or be too old for.
Part of a healthy coping strategy is making sure to take breaks and make time for relaxation. Parents can encourage students to prioritize these rests by not only reminding their teen, but participating as well. If you and your teen both enjoy going for walks, you might want to do that together. You can also set up movie nights, or invest in coloring books (there are so many to choose from these days), or some other activity that you can do together. By participating, you model and normalize the behavior for your child.
It takes practice to learn how to maintain a balanced routine with time for relaxation. Creating a safe environment where a teen can seek support from teachers, parents, or counselors when feeling overwhelmed helps ensure that there are healthy options in place. A big part of self-care is communication. Teachers and counselors are there to offer guidance and support, but they are not mind readers, and there is little they can do when deadlines have already passed, or an emotional outburst has already occurred. Learning how to check in with yourself as you go and reach out for help as needed can actually intervene before big upsets occur.
Educational professionals aren’t always available, or may have limits when it comes to their knowledge of managing perfectionism. When you recognize that you need a place to go for extra reassurance and guidance, you are able to commit to self-care and self-improvement in a whole new way. You may feel your outlook begin to change the very moment when you make this decision: “I will find perfectionism therapy near me, or online if that is the best fit for me.” Professional support can provide structure and a safe place to practice for those who attend therapy for perfectionism.
The students who see us for anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills often talk about the pressure they feel to achieve big dreams. These pressures can come from all around them until they become an unconscious standard. This conglomeration of messaging becomes the default, putting unnecessary pressure on students to compete against themselves in a race to nowhere. There is no such thing as perfection. What does exist is the ability to build strong, consistent habits that facilitate growth. These habits include planning how to chase dreams, and also planning how to handle setbacks. Mistakes are actually a part of progress; that’s how you learn. They include self-care, self-reflection, and self-compassion. They leave space for curiosity and flexibility, rather than the idea that they have to have all the answers right now. Progress, not perfection, is how we move toward what we want.
Teen Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA
At Embracing You Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Teen Therapy services go beyond just talk therapy; we focus on skill-building too. Our clinicians work collaboratively with you and your teen to understand both the challenges they face and their strengths, helping to enhance their quality of life and support them in thriving during their adolescent years.
Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!
