When we embark on the journey of parenthood, we are overcome by feelings of joy, excitement, and curiosity. But there is one emotion that also awaits us: Mom-Guilt. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or a working one, we all experience guilt in some way or another. Ultimately, we are constantly doubting whether we are doing the right thing or doing a good enough job as parents. Unfortunately, while the mom-guilt is so universal, it is a taboo emotion that we never talk about, causing us to feel even more insecure, anxious, and even depressed.
What is Mom-Guilt?
Mom guilt is a term for the overwhelming feeling many mothers experience when they believe they aren’t meeting expectations, whether related to their children’s needs, their careers, or their personal lives. This guilt can feel all-consuming, and if left unchecked, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and burnout.
Mom-guilt is that constant, nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough for your child or family, no matter how hard you try. It can show up in various ways: feeling guilty for needing a break, worrying that you’re not giving your child enough attention, or struggling with the balancing act between work and home life. In today’s world, where social media often showcases perfect, curated images of family life, the pressure to meet these standards can feel suffocating.
This guilt can be triggered by external pressures, such as societal expectations of motherhood, or internal factors such as personal perfectionism and self-criticism. The root of mom-guilt often lies in the impossible standard of being a “perfect mom,” which simply doesn’t exist. In fact, it’s normal to feel uncertain or make mistakes as a parent. But when that guilt becomes overwhelming, it can impact your mental health and your ability to enjoy the moments that matter most.
3 Ways to Overcome Mom-Guilt
- Reframe Your Expectations:
One of the biggest contributors to mom-guilt is unrealistic expectations. Society, social media, and even family dynamics can set standards that make you feel like you’re falling short. The first step in overcoming mom-guilt is to shift your perspective. Remind yourself that perfection is an illusion, and your worth as a mother isn’t defined by every single decision you make. It’s okay to not be perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Embrace the idea that doing your best is enough and that your children benefit from seeing you model self-compassion and balance.
If you find yourself inundated with images and messages about how you “should” be a mom, the first thing to do is recognize that there is no right way to be a parent. Social media isn’t real; if you are following momfluencers whose content causes you to feel like you are failing as a parent, they are not the right fit for you. Address what you see online. Everyone has different priorities, skills, and different resources. Resources can include finances, time and space, and/or a solid village. If you don’t have time to make everything from scratch, you are still a good mom. If you don’t want to make everything from scratch, you are still a good mom. If you would like to make everything from scratch in theory, but you don’t have the skills to do so, you are still a good mom.
You might find that your expectations don’t/didn’t originate from things you see online, or from other moms you know. Take some time to consider where you got the idea of what it takes to be a good mom, and the narrative surrounding that. In our Woodland Hills anxiety therapy sessions, many people identify that the pressure they are putting on themselves as moms comes from their childhood memories, childhood wounds, or unresolved family dynamics. It is always helpful to reflect on your own experience and determine how that informs the choices you make and the goals you set, but when you put excess pressure on yourself because you are trying to compensate for something else, you will only find that your anxiety about performing begins to take over your life.
Those who see us for in-person or online anxiety therapy find more success in addressing childhood wounds directly, rather than trying to heal them through parenthood. The work can definitely overlap, but the important thing to take away is that your attempts to show up for your child in a way that you needed when you were growing up are a noble goal, but not the be-all-end-all of parenthood. It does not need to be (nor can it be) executed perfectly. There is no such thing as a parent who attends every event, who never loses their cool, who never does anything that warrants an apology. There is no such thing as a parent who never fails, never forgets, never misspeaks. There is no such thing as any human on the planet who never does these things; why would you suddenly be able to simply because you have a child?
In fact, seeing you struggle and stumble and overcome setbacks in a healthy way is going to contribute so much to your child’s development. Why do you expect perfection of yourself; do you want your child to expect perfection of themself? Consider the emotional safety that is created in a household where accidents happen and mistakes are made and the world doesn’t end. You have the power to demonstrate that for your child, setting them up to be kind to themselves and forgiving of themselves.
- Set Healthy Boundaries:
Many mothers feel guilty for taking time for themselves, but self-care is crucial for your mental health. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Learning to set healthy boundaries with your time and energy is an essential part of overcoming mom-guilt. This might mean saying no to certain obligations or taking a break when you need it. Prioritize your well-being so that you can show up as the best version of yourself for your family. Remember, it’s not selfish to care for yourself—it’s necessary.
A boundary is a great way of protecting your peace. You might have boundaries about your personal time, about how you wish to be spoken to, about work-life balance, or any number of things. All of these are guideposts for you to determine what is working for you, and what isn’t. The first step to setting a boundary is to be aware of it, so take time to sit with yourself and consider what your needs are. There will always be things you learn about yourself along the way in life, so there is no need to try to come up with a final list of boundaries. Usually, our boundaries align with our values. For example, if quality time with your family is important to you, you might have a boundary about communication with work outside work hours. The thing to remember is that boundaries are not made and then monitored. Once you have communicated a boundary, it is not your job to continue to remind the other person, or to monitor if they’re following it. All you have to do is know that you will not tolerate your boundary being crossed.
The boundaries with work and non-family obligations may seem simple for you, but boundaries can get trickier when it comes to needing time away from the family in order to reset, refocus, and invest in yourself. Depending on the age of your child(ren), how you are able to set and enforce these boundaries will vary. Try new things and be curious about how they work, rather than critical of yourself. Try your ideal. Try your bare minimum. Understand that your schedule can evolve as your life does.
As an anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills, I see parents go back and forth with themselves about not wanting to miss a moment of their children’s lives and also knowing that they need space and time away from their children. The internal push-pull of this dilemma isn’t solved with one magic phrase or one simple rule. But what is important to remember is that it is literally impossible to spend every second with your children, and moreover, it’s not good for them. When you are taking time to yourself to refuel and reset, to nurture your own passions, and to invest in the loved ones outside your immediate family, you are modeling these behaviors for your children and providing them with the opportunity to do the same.
What better way to demonstrate self-care than by doing it? A child whose parents have hobbies will have hobbies normalized for them. A child who sees the importance of rest will prioritize it for themself. A child who sees their parents invest in their village will understand the importance of developing their own community. Just because a boundary is for you, doesn’t mean you’re the only one who benefits from it!
- Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion:
Guilt often stems from negative self-talk and a lack of self-compassion. Practicing mindfulness and self-compassion can help you stay grounded in the present moment and alleviate feelings of guilt. Try to observe your thoughts without judgment, acknowledging your feelings of guilt without letting them take over. Remind yourself that being a mother is a journey, not a destination, and it’s okay to experience ups and downs. Allow yourself to embrace imperfection and give yourself grace for doing the best you can.
A key thing to remember is that everybody makes mistakes. More often than not, you can use a mistake as a chance to reset; learning from mistakes and moving forward is a part of life. Anxiety builds up when we are unable to let go of our past missteps, and guilt lingers as we revisit our past over and over again. If you struggle to show yourself compassion when you make a mistake, consider how you would speak to a friend if they confessed the same mistake to you. Would you berate a fellow parent, or would you say, “Hey, being a parent is so tough. Accidents happen and that doesn’t make you a bad mom.”? Chances are, you would be kind and reassuring to them. So why not try that method on yourself?
Self-compassion also comes in handy for the times when you are struggling with parenthood. It is a hard thing to do, and it requires a lot of sacrifice. It is still taboo to talk about the times when we wish we had more freedom and flexibility, the times when we wonder what life would be like now if we were child-free. Sometimes, we can feel caught between worlds, where our childfree friends can’t relate to our struggle but can understand the appeal of the life we gave up; meanwhile, our friends who have children can relate to how exhausted we might feel but might have judgments about our desire for a break. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by being a mom, that is normal. You do not need to clarify that you love your child(ren) when you ask for help or support in dealing with the way(s) being a parent can take up time, decrease space, require financial investment, add stress, and so on. You know you love your child(ren). There is nothing wrong with having hard moments sometimes – it does not make you a bad parent or an unworthy parent.
Something we talk about with those who see us for anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills is how mindfulness can help us. First of all, when we are mindful, we are paying attention to what is happening in real-time. This means that we can catch signs that we are feeling frustrated; is our heart rate increasing, do we feel flushed, is our breathing speeding up? Through mindfulness, we are able to note these changes and adjust, ideally taking a deep breath and calming ourselves before we make choices. With all this in place, however, we will still make mistakes and errors. Through mindfulness, we think about the present moment instead of ruminating on a past we cannot change, or worrying about a future that has yet to arrive.
The reason mom guilt can be so all-encompassing is ultimately because our love for our children is so vast. The higher the stakes, the more we invest. And being a parent is a high-stakes endeavor. We worry that our children feel loved seen and safe. We worry that they have the skills and experiences to go out and face the world. We also worry that we’re trying to raise people who will be a positive force in the lives of others; we want our children to be kind, generous, and thoughtful. Through all that worry, we carry guilt that we aren’t doing enough for our children, that we aren’t qualified to be raising them. The fact is that the best you can do is be open to learning and growing and changing your mind. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, and there’s no need to try to be the first one to do so. Be kind to yourself, be realistic, and be optimistic.
Anxiety Therapy at Embracing You Therapy
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed with worry and stress? Do you struggle to maintain a healthy work-life balance, navigate life transitions, or establish firm boundaries with others?
Through Anxiety Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, you’ll gain valuable skills in CBT and mindfulness to help you regulate your emotions, cultivate healthier thought patterns, and develop behaviors that support your well-being.Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!
