This might sound familiar: you dread social situations, feeling on edge around others, worried about what they think of you or whether you’ll say the wrong thing. But when you’re alone, you feel empty, down, and disconnected. It’s a frustrating cycle—craving connection but feeling overwhelmed by it at the same time. If you experience this, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with the push-and-pull of social anxiety and loneliness-induced depression. Understanding why this happens and how to manage these emotions can help you find balance and relief.

Anxiety and Depression: How They Feed Each Other

• Social Anxiety: When around people, your mind races with self-doubt, fear of judgment, and pressure to perform “correctly”. This can lead to avoiding social interactions, missing out on connections (professional, platonic, and romantic), and reinforcing isolation.
• Loneliness and Depression: While solitude can provide relief from anxiety, prolonged isolation can trigger sadness, low energy, and feelings of worthlessness. Without social interaction, the mind can spiral into negative thoughts, reinforcing depressive symptoms.
• The Vicious Cycle: You avoid social settings due to anxiety, which leads to loneliness. Over time, loneliness feeds depression, making it harder to seek out social interactions, increasing social anxiety, and keeping the cycle going.

Anxiety and depression are often seen as opposites—anxiety makes you hyper-aware and restless, while depression pulls you into exhaustion and numbness. However, they can coexist and reinforce each other, creating a difficult emotional loop.

3 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety and Loneliness

1. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

Both social anxiety and depression thrive on negative self-talk—“I’m awkward,” “No one likes me,” or “I’ll never feel better”. These thoughts are not facts. Many people I meet as a social anxiety counselor in Woodland Hills report that they speak to themselves in this way when their social anxiety starts to creep up. Start by identifying and questioning them. Ask yourself:

• “What evidence do I have that this thought is true?”
  Intercept negative thoughts by asking yourself if you have any real reason to be thinking them, let alone believing them. Most of the time, you will find that the answer is that you have no evidence that a thought you are having is true.
  If you find that a specific thought persists, set aside some time to confront it and do some work to understand what is happening. Ask yourself this question when you are feeling emotionally regulated. Make sure you are hydrated, that you have eaten enough, that you feel connected with and comfortable in your body. If you don’t feel comfortable in your body, have a shower, change into your coziest loungewear, meditate for a while, or try some other tactic to improve how you are feeling in your skin. Have you moved your body yet, in whatever way you have access to? This can include stretching, a dance party in the living room, or a full-out fitness class. Whatever it is you do to move your body is the thing to do. Now that you have ensured your physical needs have been met, and you are feeling calm and neutral emotionally, you can sit down to explore why this particular narrative is so persistent.
• “How would I respond if a friend said this about themselves?”
  When we aren’t able to be as kind to ourselves as we would like, it can be helpful to step out of our own point of view and consider how we would address the same doubts if expressed by a loved one. Most of us are quick to cheer on those we love, reassuring them that their self-doubts are unfounded, that they are beloved by many, and that they are an amazing person to spend time with. We are also able to listen to their concerns and past experiences with love and without judgment. That same skill can be used for ourselves.
• “What’s a more balanced way of looking at this situation?”
  When we are sitting home alone, it is easy to slip into the idea that that is how we spend all our time, even when it isn’t true. From there, we can fall into black-and-white thinking about what it means that we’re home alone, how our friends really feel about us, and what our prognosis for the future is. When we are able to see and believe the opposite, we are able to have a more balanced point of voice. For example, if the story we tell ourselves is that a friend we haven’t seen in a while prefers spending time with others, a more balanced way to look at the situation is to consider that that friend may have a lot on their plate right now, and remember the last time we had a lot going on and lost track of time for a bit. Or, if we feel lonely and we start to take on a narrative that we’re always alone, we can consider the last time we socialized and remember that, while we do spend time on our own, we also have options to be with others.

Shifting your perspective can reduce the intensity of your fears and self-criticism; it takes consistent practice, but can be done.

2. Practice Small, Low-Stakes Social Interactions

If large social gatherings feel overwhelming, start small. Build confidence through low-pressure interactions:

• Text a friend just to check-in. The great thing about modern technology is that we are able to make contact without the pressure of in-real-time conversation that exists in face-to-face communication, or phone calls. You can send a quick text to a friend on your own time, and they can respond on their own time. The key thing to remember is that you are sending the text and then you are letting go of wondering when you’ll get a response. If you feel anxious about waiting for a response, build some buffer time in, and don’t send it when you feel the need for an immediate response. Send a text before or in the middle of doing a solo hobby, or going into a movie theater or into work to start your shift.
• Make eye contact and smile at a barista or cashier. This is a situation in which you are expected to interact with the person in front of you; you are not bothering them or interrupting their day. An added bonus of making eye contact or smiling is that you’re not slowing their work down, but you are showing them that you see them as a human being. Too often, service people are dehumanized in their positions. Your practice, in this case, is not only something you can do to build your social confidence but a habit that has positive ramifications if you keep it up as you move forward.
• Join an online group related to your interests. Having something in common is an immediate ice breaker, and chatting online gives you the time you need to post your thoughts and feel confident about what you’re saying. Over time, you will find that you are less self-conscious about expressing yourself, as you have built and nurtured your connections in the group.
• Set a small social goal (e.g. saying one thing in a conversation or attending an event for just 30 minutes). A small social goal should be something that is possible and that pushes you outside of your comfort zone a little bit. These small goals should be set up so that you have to take a chance to achieve them, but nothing hinges on their success. For example, no one needs a ride home from you, so you can leave the party whenever you want to.

Gradual exposure helps your brain learn that social interactions are not as dangerous as anxiety makes them seem. We use a similar tactic, called Exposure and Response Therapy (ERP) with those who see us for social anxiety therapy in Woodland Hills. These in-person or online social anxiety therapy sessions are about identifying triggers and confronting them in either real or imagined settings.

3. Embrace Meaningful Alone Time

Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. In fact, when you are able to be happy alone, your relationships benefit. Wanting someone in your life is a very different context from needing them in your life. When you can be solitary without being sad, you choose companions because you enjoy them. Alone time is great for self-awareness and self-understanding, as well as resting, relaxing, and refueling. Use this time to engage in activities that nurture you rather than isolate you:

• Practice self-care (exercise, journaling, meditation). Self-care is a path to inner peace. The better you are at caring for yourself, the more you will find you have to give to everyone and everything around you. Self-care looks like making a conscious effort to meet your physical, mental, and emotional needs. Reframe your thoughts about leisure time, hobbies, and other things that make you happy – they are needs, not wants. Ensure that you are eating enough, and hydrating enough, throughout the day. Make time for rest! Balance rest time with time to do the things that help you stay more organized, like household chores, meal prep, and clean sweeping.
• Engage in a hobby (art, music, reading). There are so many hobbies that you can do on your own. No matter how much progress you make in tackling your social anxiety, there will always be times when nobody is free to get together, and there will always be times when you truly do need some alone time in order to rejuvenate. Being able to spend time by yourself doing something you enjoy, something that lifts your mood, feeds your imagination, helps you relax, or gives you an outlet with which to express yourself, is a great skill to build.
• Get outside — nature can lift your mood! Getting some fresh air and having a change in scenery can completely change your mental state. When we are struggling with depression, most of us follow an instinct to nest and hide away. The idea of even going for a walk around the block can sound like too much work. When you feel this way, take it one step at a time, broken down into however many it takes to get you out your door. “I’ll just get changed out of my pajamas… Okay, I’ll just put on my socks… Now I’ll put on my shoes… I’ll just step outside… I’ll just walk to the sidewalk, and then if I want to, I’ll go back in.” The hardest steps are out the front door. Once you are out in the fresh air, you will usually find that walking around the block comes naturally. You can also take advantage of local and state parks using the same method, even if one of your steps is to get in the car to drive somewhere where you can access them.
• Write letters or send voice notes to friends to feel connected without immediate social pressure. Writing letters is actually a great way to spend alone time but also invest in others. While you are composing your letter, you can play some music you enjoy, drink a beverage at your favorite local coffee house, or maybe sit outside somewhere. You can take all the time you want and need to take, and mail it whenever it works for you. For most of us, the only mail we actually receive is bills or advertising. A friend who gets a letter from you will feel touched at your taking the time to write to them. A voice note, while easier to send, adds the personal touch of hearing your voice and your tone. If you want to draft out what you want to say, that’s totally fine!

Shifting from “I’m alone because no one wants me” to “I’m using this time to recharge and enjoy myself” can reduce depression and make social interactions feel less draining. When you are able to socialize without pressure on those interactions to bolster your self-worth, you suddenly feel much lower in stakes.

There is no perfect science to balancing your social anxiety with your desire for companionship, but something we see in our Woodland Hills social anxiety therapy sessions is that a concerted effort can make a big difference. What matters is that you create a routine that helps you care for yourself while making progress with your social anxiety. Everyone struggles with feelings of insecurity and loneliness at times; what matters is understanding that you have the power to take on your worries. Build habits that support your mental health, reinforce your understanding of your self-worth and reframe the idea of alone time so that you can benefit from it. When you are confident in yourself, you can truly use time spent on your own to replenish your energy and refresh yourself for your next social event. There does not need to be emptiness and loneliness in being alone, just as there does not have to be frustration and anxiety in socializing, though both are bound to occur sometimes. Knowing you have a consistent routine will help you move forward from either scenario with greater ease and optimism.

Anxiety Therapy at Embracing You Therapy

Do you often feel overwhelmed by stress or find yourself worrying nonstop? Are you struggling to maintain a healthy work-life balance, adapt to life changes, or set clear boundaries with others?

Anxiety Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, can help you develop CBT and mindfulness strategies to manage your emotions, reframe negative thoughts, and build healthier habits that support your well-being.

Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!