Raising children is one of the most rewarding yet challenging aspects of a relationship. While every parent wants the best for their child, differing opinions on how to achieve that can lead to tension and conflict. It’s common for couples to discover that their parenting styles differ significantly. Perhaps one parent is more lenient, preferring to let things slide, while the other is more strict, emphasizing structure and discipline. These differences can create friction in the relationship and confusion for the child. However, navigating these differences together can lead to a more harmonious home and a balanced approach to parenting.
Understanding Different Parenting Styles
Parenting styles often stem from a combination of personal upbringing, cultural influences, and individual beliefs about what’s best for a child. Understanding the core parenting styles can be a helpful first step in bridging the gap between partners:
- Authoritative – This approach is balanced, emphasizing both warmth and structure. Parents set clear expectations but also remain responsive to their child’s needs. Research often highlights this as the most effective parenting style.
- Authoritarian (Strict) – This style emphasizes control, discipline, and high expectations. Parents may enforce rules without much room for negotiation, focusing on obedience.
- Permissive (Lenient) – Permissive parents are nurturing and communicative but tend to avoid setting firm boundaries. They may prioritize their child’s happiness over structure.
- Uninvolved – This style is characterized by minimal responsiveness and few demands. Parents may be emotionally detached or preoccupied with other matters.
While partners may not fit perfectly into one category, they often lean toward different ends of the spectrum, which can lead to conflict when trying to co-parent.
3 Ways to Navigate Parenting Style Differences
- Communicate Openly and Regularly:
Start by having honest, non-judgmental conversations about your individual parenting beliefs, with both of you being as honest and transparent as possible. You cannot expect one another to guess what motivates you or what your expectations are – you simply have to talk about it. Sometimes, we neglect conversations that we worry will cause tension, and prefer to avoid the tough topics and bury our heads in the sand. No one benefits from this tactic, least of all the child(ren) you are trying to raise together.
Discuss your values, childhood experiences, and what you hope to achieve as parents. If you don’t know why your partner feels a certain way, or your partner doesn’t know why you feel a certain way, it will be easy for you to misunderstand the intention behind some of your parenting choices. Understanding your partner’s perspective can foster empathy and create a foundation for compromise. Make these conversations ongoing, especially as your child grows and new challenges arise.
Learning how to have open and honest conversations is a skill that takes time. Couples often find that attending in-person or online couples therapy gives them a leg up, as they have a guide in place to help them express themselves. As a couples counselor in Woodland Hills, I see how two people can learn to listen to one another with open minds and how they can learn to express their feelings and advocate for themselves in a productive way. Being able to state your point of view or hear your partner’s point of view, without anyone feeling attacked, steamrolled, or judged, is hugely beneficial.
You don’t always have to carve out a time to talk when you’re both rested and prepared, and you can sit face-to-face and really take your time. That simply isn’t possible in today’s busy world. But you should make it a regular habit to spend intentional time in conversation; time that you have both agreed upon will allow each of you to consider what you’d like to say, as well as setting yourselves up to listen actively to one another. If you are able to do this on a regular enough basis, your quick, emergency, or last-minute conversations will likely also become easier, as you will apply those same skills to the task at hand. For example, you might take a breath before answering, or you might be aware of your body language as you’re communicating. These small tweaks, which can come from practicing open and regular communication, can make a big difference in even the smallest of conversations.
While some conversations are not suitable to have in front of your child(ren), there is a benefit to conversing openly in front of those you are raising. Modeling healthy communication will do more for your child’s ability to develop that skill than telling them what to do. So much of what our children learn is based on what they routinely experience. Growing up in a household of honest and respectful conversation will set the standard for how they treat others and how they allow themselves to be treated. This includes disagreements/problem solving to some extent (when age appropriate and when the disagreement applies to something minor) – seeing you and your partner come to an agreement with calmness and kindness will help your child to understand that working on compromises is a part of life, but yelling or silent treatment, manipulating, undermining, and other tactics should not be.
- Focus on Shared Goals:
While your approaches may differ, you likely share common goals—such as raising a confident, kind, and responsible child. Identify these shared aspirations and use them as a guiding principle when disagreements arise. This can help you shift from a “my way vs. your way” mindset to a collaborative approach that combines the best of both styles.
Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills often admit that when they get worked up about parenting, it’s because it matters so much to them. It can be ironic and frustrating to know that you’re both passionate about the same thing but struggling to come to an agreement between the two of you. It can be helpful to come up with mantras or catchphrases that you can say when you feel that you both need a reminder of your purpose, such as, “I am grateful to have a partner who cares as much about how our child is doing as I do.”
Like all positive reinforcement, focusing on your shared goals and successes can help to bolster you when you are struggling to come to a mutual agreement. It is also more rewarding, which is needed when parenting. Parenting is hard. You and your partner deserve to set aside time to take note of what you are doing well, what is working smoothly, how you are cooperating, and the positive impact it is having on your child(ren). It can also help you to see the positives that your child gets to experience by having two parents with different skill sets. Being able to work toward an end result while focusing on the strengths your partner brings to the table is much more straightforward.
When the idea is to figure out what is needed in order to achieve a goal, you get less hung up on who is bringing what to the table. Instead, you can find ways to relinquish control, delegate, lean into your own strengths, and appreciate the balance your co-parent brings to the table.
When you are working in collaboration with another person, you will often encounter moments that test your pride. You will have to determine if it is important enough to you that something is done the way you would do it that you run the risk of it not being done at all. When you are able to experience positive outcomes regardless of the method, that can be a win for your teamwork as parents. Most of the time, when it comes to goals, the advice is to focus on the journey rather than the end result. This is not the case when it comes to pursuing certain parenting goals. If your child leaves the house dressed, fed, and with everything they needs for the day in the morning, that is more important than whose method or order of operations got you there.
A good reason to focus on shared goals (besides the bonding it can create between you) is to make sure that you take time to acknowledge them and to celebrate your wins together. When there are things we disagree about, we can fall into the trap of losing sight of the things that are congruent or going well. That which is tended to is seen to; putting effort into a shared goal ensures that it doesn’t get moved down the priority list while you try to solve something you disagree about. You are more likely to work together happily and collaboratively on the issues that you align on. Don’t lose sight of what you are doing right in favor of focusing on something you’re not satisfied with.
- Find Compromises and Stay Consistent:
Children thrive on consistency. When parents present a united front, it reduces confusion and anxiety for the child. Find middle-ground solutions that incorporate elements of both your styles. For example, a strict parent might agree to loosen up on non-essential rules, while a lenient parent could commit to enforcing boundaries around safety and respect. Being flexible and adaptable allows you to create a balanced approach that works for your unique family dynamic.
The key is consistency from each parent. This means that if there is a non-essential rule that a strict parent agrees to loosen up on, they do so every time. This is where the consistency comes in and where planning and agreeing upon compromises helps. In our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions, we sometimes talk about the best ways to find those compromises. It is good to practice finding compromise, as your child’s needs will evolve as they grow up, and there will be new rules to decide on together as parents.
Really work to find compromises. It can be tempting to dig our heels in or to become overwhelmed with the prospect of coming to an agreement about all the details we think we need in place. Approach compromises with the mindset that there is a solution that is best for your child, and it might not be the one you want. Of course, both you and your partner will be doing what you believe is best for your child. It is working on your mindset that will help you come to the best agreement(s).
When it comes to big, serious ideas that you are on totally opposite sides about and neither one of you is able to make a stronger point than the other, a good litmus test is if neither of you are very happy, but your child seems to be thriving. Sometimes, the best you can do is both come as close to meeting in the middle as possible and be willing to get over what you felt strongly about. Look at your child’s emotional stability, disposition, sleep regulation, and other key signs of someone who is feeling mentally and physically healthy to spot how your plans are working out. There is no rule that says you can’t adjust your agreements after a sufficient trial period, so long as when you make the change, you are clear with your child and consistent from then onward.
There will always be compromises where you are on very different sides, but one of you ultimately has a reason for their feelings that the other person can respect and/or appreciate. These compromises may alternate between the two of you; exploiting the past to get your way more often is not the goal. A child who was damaged by a certain experience may grow up to be an adult who is exceptionally sensitive to anything in that realm. If you or your partner feel that something from your childhood fundamentally impacted how you grew up and how well you felt in the world, then the other person’s willingness to accept that point of view can be a game-changer. Most of us feel most passionately about things that harmed us; by creating a rule that defends against a negative experience of your partner, you are not only doing your best to protect your child from going through something similar, but you are showing that you see and honor what happened to your partner. You have the opportunity to help heal your partner by showing up for your child the way your partner wanted someone to show up for them.
Parenting can feel all-consuming. The stakes feel high, the pressure feels constant. This can lead to a level of stress that isn’t tolerable, straining your mental health and your relationship with the other parent. Establishing a strong partnership through communication and compromise will help you to share the load of raising your child(ren), regardless of whether you stay together forever or transition from parenting as a team to co-parenting through shared custody. If you are both committed to doing the best you can as parents, and you are dedicated to working together to ensure consistency for your child(ren), you have won most of the battle. A predictable home life helps more than having two parents who agree on everything.
Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills
By the time you and your partner decide to seek marriage counseling, you may feel discouraged or uncertain about your relationship’s future due to lingering conflicts, trust issues, or a lack of intimacy. At Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained counselors will help you identify your relationship’s strengths and areas for growth, equipping you both with essential skills to foster vulnerability, emotional connection, and adaptability.
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