Why Do I Always End Up In Toxic Relationships?

A young woman is sitting on the edge of the bed with her hands on her head, as her partner lays in bed.

If you find yourself repeatedly stuck in unhealthy relationships, you might be wondering, Why does this keep happening to me? Toxic relationships can be emotionally exhausting, leading to patterns of manipulation, neglect, or even emotional abuse. Whether it’s romantic partners, friendships, or even family members, these relationships can drain your self-worth and leave you questioning your judgment. Understanding why you attract or tolerate toxic relationships is the first step in breaking the cycle and building healthier connections. We talk to couples with all kinds of dynamics in our Woodland Hills couples therapy sessions, as well as individuals who see distressing patterns in their dating history. Some don’t know how or where to begin; a good place to start is in understanding how toxic relationships come to be, and what you can do to take action against getting stuck in one.

Why Do People Get Stuck in Toxic Relationships?

There are many reasons why people find themselves in toxic relationships over and over again. Some common underlying factors include:

A young LGBTQ couple is sitting on the floor beside each other, upset.

Unresolved Childhood Experiences: Our earliest relationships shape how we view love and connection. If you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, conditional, or emotionally distant, you may unconsciously gravitate toward familiar (but unhealthy) relationship dynamics. You may sometimes subconsciously be trying to heal the childhood relationship by resolving issues in a similar dynamic.
Low Self-Esteem: When we don’t value ourselves, we may tolerate poor treatment or settle for relationships that reaffirm negative beliefs about our worth.
Fear of Being Alone: Many people stay in toxic relationships because they fear loneliness or don’t believe they deserve better, so they don’t think they could find a more suitable partner if they left their current relationship. The idea of starting over can feel daunting, even if the relationship is causing distress.
Codependency: If your sense of self-worth is tied to taking care of others, you might find yourself in one-sided relationships where you constantly give but receive very little in return.
Attraction to Excitement or Chaos: Some people mistake emotional intensity for love. If a relationship is full of drama, emotional highs and lows, or unpredictability, it may feel “exciting” but is actually unhealthy.

3 Ways to Avoid Toxic Relationships

Work on Your Self-Worth:

A young African American woman is sitting at her desk, writing.

Healthy relationships start with a strong sense of self. If you believe in your value, you’ll be less likely to settle for someone who mistreats you. Engage in self-care, set personal goals, and surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Therapy can also be a powerful tool for building self-confidence and understanding your emotional needs. If your struggles with self-worth go back to childhood, there are likely things to unpack and narratives to adjust; a therapist can help you address what troubles you and set new patterns that benefit you.

Self-care is a consistent practice that involves both needs and wants. For example, a foundation of self-care looks like making an effort to get enough rest, food, hydration, and movement. These are the basics that help our bodies to function, to avoid pain, fatigue, and distress. No routine is perfect, and there will always be times in your life when you stay up too late, or don’t refill your water bottle enough times throughout the day. But on a general basis, striving to meet your basic needs most of the time is going to make a big difference as to how you feel both physically and mentally.
Once basic needs are met, there is still more nurturing of your spirit to be done with self-care. This can mean setting aside time to reflect on your inner emotional world through practices like meditation or journaling. It can look like making sure you have time and space for hobbies and other activities that you do for the sake of your own happiness. It can look like ensuring you get time alone, wherein you are not beholden to the needs or wants of others. And it can also look like making the effort to socialize and spend time in the community with your loved ones.

A great way to build confidence is to try new things. This tactic isn’t only effective if you happen to be good at the new thing you’re trying or pick it up easily. In fact, it is struggling and failing that helps to build confidence, as the practice of trying again or keeping on shows us that we are resilient and that we can handle disappointment and mistakes. It is knowing we have the ability to bounce back that enables us to take on new challenges and broaden our horizons; over time and with practice, we can raise the stakes of our new endeavors and grow our self-esteem in tandem.
Work on establishing and honoring your self-worth outside of your romantic relationships by being true to yourself in your dealings with friends, family, colleagues, and strangers alike. It is always good practice to expect respect and to give it. Being able to speak up for yourself is a valuable skill that helps to build confidence. Some people feel that it is too aggressive for them to undertake, but self-defense can be calm and quiet if you choose it to be. It can look like asking someone who has made a snarky comment to, “please explain what you meant by that. I’m not sure I understand.” It can look like taking some space from a friend or family member who tends to disregard your expressed feelings and/or wants and needs.

Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them:

A young Asian American couple is sitting in the living room talking.

One of the biggest red flags in toxic relationships is a lack of boundaries. If you often feel guilty for saying no, feel responsible for fixing someone else’s problems, or allow others to disregard your feelings, it’s time to establish stronger boundaries. A healthy relationship should respect your needs, limits, and comfort levels without making you feel guilty for enforcing them.

Every relationship has struggled at times. While most of us default to tallying up the other person’s mistakes, or personality traits that feel challenging, that is not the most productive way to tackle relationship struggles, as there is no accountability or responsibility involved in blaming the other person. We are better served by knowing our limits and knowing that we will honor them. Being honest with ourselves when we haven’t communicated our needs properly, when we have walked back our boundaries, or when we haven’t done the work to really determine what we want and what we need.
As a couples counselor in Woodland Hills, I see the various ideas individuals have about boundaries, and how those ideas can meld or clash with those of their partner. Those who attend in-person or online couples therapy can spend a lot of time determining their boundaries and advising the other person of what they are. A boundary is a line for yourself, not a rule to be followed. When you communicate your boundaries clearly and with respect, your partner has two choices: respect them, or not. It is not up to you to patrol your partner’s life in an attempt to enforce your boundaries, it is up to you to stick to them.

Everyone compromises in relationships (all relationships, not just romantic ones). The best relationships are the ones where you alternate compromises, and where the compromises you do make are not about your highest values. If you’re unsure whether or not a compromise feels fair, or if you need to set a boundary, ask yourself, “Would my spouse talk to me like this?” or “Would my spouse ask this of me?” While there is always room for flexibility about some of our preferences, most of us are able to list the main traits we want in a spouse. “They never yell at me,” or, “They are considerate of my friends and family” are two examples. Don’t let your partner keep you from finding your spouse; if they cross the boundaries you think your ideal partner wouldn’t, they are likely not the person for you, and it’s time to walk away.
Remember that boundaries are a kindness. They give very clear guidelines as to how to show up for you, how to display respect, and how to care for you. When you are clear about your boundaries instead of expecting the other person to guess what they are, you are giving that person a roadmap of how to please you. You should expect your partner to have boundaries, also, and both of you should be ready to take each other’s boundaries seriously if you’re expecting to enjoy a happy and healthy relationship.

Recognize Red Flags Early:

A young couple is sitting on the couch together. The woman is upset with her arms crossed, as her partner points at the phone in his hand.

The sooner you spot toxic behaviors, the easier it will be to walk away before you become emotionally invested. Some common red flags include controlling behavior, lack of accountability, excessive jealousy, manipulation, or consistent disrespect. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, listen to that inner voice.
When we are involved with someone we care about, we can find ourselves digging in on the relationship and unable to take a step back and look at the big picture. Something might bother us, but we can think of an excuse for that behavior, or we compare it to the things we like and talk ourselves out of worrying about the issue we’re having. A good way to check in with yourself is to ask yourself how you would feel about your partner’s behavior if you were watching your best friend be treated that way by their partner. When we’re on the inside of a relationship, we are quick to justify and tell people around us who voice concerns that they don’t understand. To a degree, that is true. Nobody will ever know every in and out of your relationship. But it is also true that those details can convolute how you feel, leading to inner turmoil and conflict. If you tell your best friend that they aren’t being treated properly, you owe it to yourself to tell yourself the same thing.

In some cases, you may find that the people around you are the first to voice their concerns. They may even spot a red flag you have missed. Just because you weren’t the one to see it doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for recognizing it as a red flag, and determining how you want to address it.
A red flag might not be something you choose to leave the relationship over, but sometimes it may be. In other cases, you may feel uncertain about how behavior impacts you, or whether you are willing and able to work past it, but you know it needs to change in order for your relationship to stand any chance. Some people have different ideas about what constitutes disrespect; is it a tone of voice, an emotional affair, controlling behavior…? Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills come to the table from varying backgrounds, with different ideas of how to express love and respect in a relationship. Some people have a very strong idea of what their no-go boundaries are, and others need time and space to determine their feelings.

Missing red flags early on is not a reason to ignore them if you find them later. Yes, ideally you will see them and deal with them in a timely manner, but if that isn’t the case, the next thing to remember is that you have the right at any time to choose what is right for you. Regardless of how long it takes for you to recognize red flags, it is important to know what your deal breakers are and show yourself the care of walking away when you encounter them. Too often, we tend to adopt a mindset that we’ve invested so much time in the relationship that we have to stick it out. In that way, we can get trapped in a bit of a sunken cost fallacy. Whenever it is that you recognize the need to split, that is the time to do so. Whether it’s been a month, a year, or a decade.

A young biracial couple is cuddled together on the couch, drinking coffee.

If toxic relationships have been a pattern for you, it is important to do the work of unpacking why that happens without judging yourself. It can be difficult to stop ourselves from judgmental thoughts; when we are depressed or frustrated and feeling defeated, it is easy to lean into a narrative that we are defective in some way. This idea can echo what we hear in society and among our social circles, about people who “choose wrong” or whose “picker is broken”. While there is always a responsibility to take for what you choose to allow and what you believe you deserve, a history of disappointing relationships isn’t reflective of your value or your worthiness to find happiness. Do the work to build your self-esteem and confidence, and you will find that sticking to your boundaries and recognizing red flags early will come more naturally to you. Patterns don’t have to be repeated if you take steps to break the cycle and start new patterns that reflect your goals and desires!

Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills

By the time you and your partner consider marriage counseling, you may feel exhausted or uncertain about your relationship’s future due to lingering conflicts, trust issues, or a lack of intimacy. At Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained therapists provide a structured approach to help you identify both the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Through this process, you’ll develop essential relationship skills that foster vulnerability, emotional openness, and adaptability, helping you and your partner reconnect and grow together.

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