Affairs are often associated with physical intimacy outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. However, in the age of digital connections and emotional vulnerability, an increasing number of couples grapple with a more nuanced question: does an emotional affair count as an affair? Emotional affairs, while devoid of physical intimacy, can deeply impact trust and emotional security in a relationship.
An emotional affair occurs when one partner forms a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, creating a bond that rivals or surpasses the emotional intimacy shared with their partner. It can be complicated to determine how to identify an emotional affair; the argument can be made that you cannot help how you feel, and by not participating in a physical affair, you’re doing all you can. To some extent, this can be valid reasoning.
What Is an Emotional Affair?
A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t engage in a behavior in front of your partner, it’s inappropriate. Say, for example, a new team member is hired at work and the two of you hit it off immediately. You realize that you have some deeper feelings for this person that you have to see every day, that you have to communicate with. That is not in and of itself an emotional affair, despite how hurt your partner might be to discover your feelings. However, if you go out of your way to talk to this team member when you have multiple options at work, if you expand communication outside of work, if you connect on private accounts and through social media, if you take lunch together every day, and all the while your feelings are deepening, that is an emotional affair. Unlike platonic friendships, emotional affairs often involve secrecy, heightened emotional dependency, and feelings that cross the boundaries of friendship.
Key signs of an emotional affair include:
- Sharing personal thoughts or feelings with someone else instead of your partner.
- Keeping the connection secret from your partner.
- Feeling emotionally fulfilled or validated by the other person in ways you don’t feel in your relationship.
While an emotional affair might not involve physical contact, its impact can be equally, if not more, damaging. Emotional infidelity undermines trust, creating feelings of betrayal and neglect in a relationship.
3 Ways to Overcome an Emotional Affair
- Acknowledge and Take Responsibility:
Healing begins when the person involved in the emotional affair acknowledges the breach of trust and takes responsibility for their actions. Openly admitting the emotional involvement and its impact on the relationship is crucial. Avoid blame-shifting and focus on understanding the hurt caused to your partner. Regardless of how the relationship fares after your emotional affair, it is essential to approach this part with honesty and care. That way, you know you have done what you can to rebuild the relationship at best or part with respect and consideration at worst.
If you are the partner whose partner had an affair, you may have an idea of what you need to see and hear in order to feel that your partner is genuinely remorseful and determined to repair the relationship. The first step is an honest and heartfelt apology, and apologies are so much more than saying, “I’m sorry”. Proper apologies name what happened and the ramifications, and they assign responsibility to the person who is apologizing. I see the acknowledgment of the pain that was caused have a big impact on couples’ healing as a couples counselor in Woodland Hills. It is hard to believe that your partner won’t behave in a certain way again if they haven’t convinced you that they understand what they did and how it harmed you. Be prepared to hear your partner’s amends, and for your forgiveness to be an ongoing process.
If you had an affair, it is essential that you do the personal work required to take responsibility. Why did you engage in emotional adultery? What was missing in your life that you felt was fulfilled by this other person? Whatever the answer is, what steps did you take to obtain that before you embarked upon your affair? If your self-confidence was low, how were you taking action to build your self-esteem? If you felt misunderstood by your partner, what ways did you try to connect and communicate? Taking responsibility is about exploring the ways you could have avoided this outcome, the exits you chose not to take, and why you weren’t compelled to do so. Assuming the answer isn’t that you want out of your marriage, what aspects of your life as an individual and your routine as a couple were you trying to make up for by having an emotional affair?
Your instinct might be to say that you weren’t thinking of any of that and you got caught up, but the truth is that you wouldn’t have been inclined to pursue an emotional affair if your needs were met elsewhere. It was your responsibility to try to improve your situation at home, and you cannot take full responsibility without acknowledging that. Every time you made a choice, that was up to you.
Don’t forget that part of taking responsibility for your actions involves changing your behavior in ways your partner can actually see and experience. It involves adjusting what you have to in order to show your commitment to moving forward together, whether that means changing routines, changing jobs, severing social connections, or any other change that will be necessary to your success in healing the relationship.
- Rebuild Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship:
Emotional affairs often highlight unmet emotional needs within the relationship. Dedicate time to reconnecting with your partner by engaging in meaningful conversations, sharing vulnerabilities, and creating opportunities for quality time together. Do not expect this to be an overnight process, but embark upon this endeavor with patience. You and your partner are not roommates. You are two people who have chosen to build a life that is interconnected. Emotional intimacy with your partner is meant to exist for decades of your life, should all go well. In this way, work should be done with the intention of longevity, not with the idea that you just have to grin and bear it until one of you moves out.
If you have participated in emotional adultery as a result of unmet needs in your relationship, now is the time to address what those needs are in a productive way. This isn’t about transferring blame from yourself to your partner, but rather about uncovering what you should have been asking for to begin with. You may not be able to identify everything specifically; you might feel that you and your partner have “drifted apart” but aren’t able to articulate exactly how or why. This is when dedicated time together and open conversations can help illuminate what has been missing and what is needed by both of you.
Dedicated time is a conscious effort to be with your partner. Often, couples who live together fall into a routine of mistaking proximity for intimacy. It is easy for this to happen, as life can be busy and many of us can be pulled in multiple directions between work, friends, hobbies, our families, and so on. While it is always important to have a well-rounded schedule and to care for yourself and your whole circle, this can sometimes lead to a live-in partner being taken for granted in some way. It can be hard to justify planning a date night with someone you see every day over getting together with someone you haven’t seen in a few weeks. Remind yourself that quality time is still important, even if you have daily contact with your partner. Consider ways in which your existing routine can foster quality time – can watch TV together at the end of the day change to a game or puzzle time? If you usually watch two episodes of your latest binge together, could you instead do something else and then just watch one episode?
In the morning, are you able to drink coffee and eat breakfast together? This is a great time for each of you to set intentions for the day and to share them with one another. When you and/or your partner achieve their goal or make a breakthrough, it is something you can celebrate together. This might seem like something too small to mention, but in actuality, it helps your partner understand and be invested in your day apart and gives you each a reason to think positive thoughts for the other. It also illuminates priorities, can shed light on things you wouldn’t think to share but your partner actually cares about and is good practice for communication and follow-through. The more consistently the two of you can be on the same page about one another’s plans, hopes, and goals, the deeper your understanding of one another.
Couples therapy can be instrumental in rebuilding emotional bonds and fostering a deeper connection. If you didn’t attend premarital counseling, this might be your first time seeking guidance and support from a mental health professional. Those who see us for couples therapy in Woodland Hills find that having a neutral space and the time to spend with a mental health professional can help them unlock their thoughts and feelings and communicate them productively. If and when you attend couples therapy, be prepared to determine and discuss the needs you have in your relationship and how your partner can best meet them. Be prepared, also, to hear the same from your partner.
- Set Clear Boundaries Moving Forward:
Re-establishing trust requires setting and respecting clear boundaries. Both partners must agree on what is acceptable and what constitutes a breach of trust in the relationship. Transparency is key—whether it’s sharing feelings of doubt or clarifying interactions with others. This process helps create a safe and secure space for both partners to heal.
Set mutually agreed-upon boundaries by beginning where you agree – there will be some boundaries that seem like no-brainers for both of you. You will likely already know what some of these are, because you’ve talked openly about where trust was breached and why certain behaviors were inappropriate. Work your way through a list and find what is easy to agree about. If you come to a boundary that you disagree on, you can table it and come back to it if you feel like you’ll be comfortable until then. If you are mostly on the same page, but have some details to work out, you might be able to leave it. If you’re very concerned, you might not. When you come back to it, whether it’s later in the conversation, or another day, is up to you.
When setting boundaries, it is important to remember that a boundary is for you, not the other person. It is about what you can and will tolerate, and what you will not. What you must know when you are setting a boundary is that you will honor what you have decided. This way, when you communicate to your partner that you have a boundary around communicating with people you don’t know, it does not become your job to try to enforce that as a rule. What happens is that you know what action you will take if that boundary is crossed.
This is the time for strong communication, and not falling into common miscommunication traps such as expecting your partner to guess how you feel, or saying one thing aloud but communicating another thing with your body language. In order to be understood by one another, you can explain why you have certain boundaries. This isn’t about trying to convince your partner to validate your boundaries; it’s about helping your partner to understand where they come from.
Agreeing upon boundaries together can help you to know that the other person understands the situation and that both your priorities are in line. You may come up with boundaries about how time apart is spent, new friends, digital communication, and making choices that prioritize your relationship. Whatever the two of you decide works best for you is what is best; this isn’t the time to try to copy a template set by another couple who have different needs and goals than you do. By all means, you can look to others for inspiration and ideas but don’t get too caught up in trying to recreate something that wasn’t thought up for your relationship.
Too often, people think that an affair of the mind (or heart) “doesn’t count”, and therefore isn’t “as bad” as a physical affair. Unfortunately, the idea that your partner would seek emotional safety and happiness in another person can be just as painful, if not more so. This is not a time to argue about semantics and quibble over what could have happened. It’s time to address what did happen and go about making it right. If you work as a team toward a common goal of moving forward together, it can be done. It will take honesty, trust, accountability, respect, and love to do so.
Couples Therapy In Woodland Hills
By the time you and your partner decide to seek marriage counseling, you may feel exhausted or uncertain about the future of your relationship due to unresolved conflicts, trust issues, or a lack of intimacy. At Couples Therapy in Woodland Hills, CA, our Gottman-trained therapists will help you identify the strengths and challenges in your relationship, equipping you both with the skills needed to foster vulnerability, emotional openness, and flexibility. Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!
