If you’re finding it hard to take the next big step—despite knowing it’s time—you might be experiencing a “failure to launch.” Life transitions can be tough, especially for young adults navigating the journey into full independence. Whether it’s moving out, starting a career, or finding your own path, feeling stuck or unsure is more common than you might think. In our Woodland Hills young adults therapy sessions, we encounter people from all walks of life who struggle to move from one stage to the next. This term often refers to the challenge of transitioning into adulthood, and while it can feel isolating, you’re far from alone.
The Paralyzing Nature of Fear of Failure
One of the main reasons many young adults struggle to “launch” is the fear of failure. The pressure to succeed in your career, relationships, or personal goals can feel overwhelming, leaving you paralyzed. This fear often stems from high expectations—whether from yourself, your family, or society. Mistakes can seem catastrophic, leading to self-doubt and procrastination. In reality, avoiding action due to fear of failure can create a cycle of anxiety and stagnation. It’s important to understand that failing doesn’t define you; it’s a natural part of growth and learning.
3 Ways to Overcome Failure to Launch
- Set Realistic, Achievable Goals:
The key to setting goals is knowing what you desire and considering the proper approach. It sounds simple, but many of us get caught up in imagining a “perfect life” we’ll have after we achieve our goals and don’t stop to consider what that plan will actually entail. Literally imagine you want to cross the street. Would you attempt to leap the concrete in a single bound? You wouldn’t. You would take one step at a time until you were across.
Often, we look at the endpoint of a goal and feel as though it’s too far away to even attempt. The truth is that, no matter how far the distance, whether it’s two steps or twenty, all paths toward our ambitions begin the same way.
Figuring out how to go about setting your goals is part of the process of achieving them. Break down your big aspirations into smaller, manageable steps. If you’re not sure how to begin a step, it’s not small enough yet. Instead of focusing on landing your dream job immediately, set a goal to update your resume or apply to a set number of jobs per week. Do not make the mistake of thinking that “realistic, achievable goals” are limiting.
Instead, recognize that it takes time to get to where you want to be. If you want to land your dream job tomorrow, that might not be achievable. However, if you want to find a course that starts within the next month that will help you upgrade the skills you will need for your dream job, that is likely a totally achievable goal. Consider how many smaller goals it might take to reach your ultimate goal. Being realistic does not mean telling yourself “no”, but it might mean telling yourself “not yet”.
Each of the steps you outline provides an opportunity for positivity because celebrating small wins builds momentum and confidence. Once you have broken your goals down into smaller steps, plan how you will celebrate your ongoing wins. When we wait until “the end” to celebrate, we put ourselves in a mindset that progress doesn’t matter. That mindset not only diminishes our accomplishments, but it takes all the fun out of the process. When you’re not having fun, you are far less likely to continue with something.
Your celebrations might look like treating yourself to something, or they might look like stopping to take a moment to enjoy your success, or telling someone what you just accomplished. That part is up to you, but make sure you celebrate yourself!
Within your goal-setting practice, make sure to plan for setbacks and failures. Part of being realistic is accepting that even a goal you think is achievable might be hard to accomplish. You may need time to grieve losses, to rest from failed efforts, to reconsider your plans, and more. How can you build time for those breaks into your plans? Having a plan in place for handling setbacks takes some of the power away from your fear of failure. It is easier to move forward when you’ve got a set of guidelines for how you’ll be resilient in the face of disappointment.
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk:
Negative self-talk will have you talking yourself out of even beginning. Pay attention to the stories you tell yourself. Are you assuming the worst outcome or being overly critical? Replace negative thoughts with realistic, positive affirmations. For example, instead of thinking, “I’ll never succeed,” remind yourself, “I’m learning and growing with every step I take.”
Some of our patterns of negative self-talk began so long ago that we can’t even remember a time when we were kind to ourselves. Part of challenging self-talk is setting aside the time and space to identify where some of our least helpful messages came from. When you know where something began, you can reflect on that situation or circumstance with a more critical eye. Ask yourself, “When did I learn this?” or “When did I decide this about myself?” when negative self-talk arises.
Through challenging your negative self-talk, you will most often come to one of three conclusions: either your idea is outdated (you used to struggle with this issue, but have since made improvements), your idea is rooted in some truth (this is an issue and/or obstacle for you that could use some attention), or your idea is wrong (someone or something convinced you that you have a shortcoming that you do not, in fact, have).
When you determine that there is actual work to be done, you now have a jumping-off point. Challenging negative self-talk doesn’t mean you ignore your weaknesses. In fact, befriending your flaws is a great way to take their power away. Without acceptance, you can’t really put your flaws into perspective; instead, they can loom over you. When you are able to accept the whole picture of who you are, you are able to be honest about what you struggle with, as well as what you’re doing well. In befriending your flaws, you can observe what they reveal about you, and determine where you have growth and learning to do. Sometimes, this means you register for a course or pull out some old notes to refresh your memory. Sometimes, it means you seek guidance as to how to handle a flaw that is holding you back, or causing you to behave in a way that you’re not comfortable with. You may never turn a certain flaw into a strength, but you can be aware of it, build your skills around it, and even improve it with some effort. Most importantly, you can recognize a flaw without bullying yourself about it. Black-and-white thinking, catastrophizing, and generalization can occur when we decide that one thing we struggle with is the thing that defines who we are. That simply isn’t true.
When you realize that some of the stories you are telling yourself aren’t true (either they never were, or they no longer are), give yourself permission to process that information. You may grieve for past missed opportunities, you may feel resentment and frustration toward someone who influenced how you perceived yourself. This is normal. Through grieving what could have been, you allow yourself to leave those past losses behind you; do not miss future chances and forego future opportunities due to your sense of loss. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, you can only let the past inspire you to pursue your upcoming goals and dreams with an honest mindset.
If you determine that some of your internal messaging is outdated, consider how far you’ve come. Think about the negative self-talk that has been haunting you and come up with affirmations to rewrite those stories. You might say: “In the past, I struggled with this, but I have made improvements since then,” or, “I have worked too hard to ignore my success and improvement.” Set aside time for self-care and focus on how caring for yourself and showing yourself kindness is more in alignment with who and where you are today. Practice mindfulness so that you are conscious of the present; it is easier to avoid ruminating about the past when you are paying attention to what is happening in real-time. Whenever a thought arises about the way something used to be, take a moment to acknowledge the progress you’ve made, and resume your day.
- Seek Support and Accountability:
It can be easy to get trapped in your head about who to share your struggles with, and you might have a hard time admitting that you’re feeling stuck. Narratives about our worth being linked to our productivity can isolate us when we aren’t sure how to take the next step, or what step to take. This can cause us to retreat into ourselves, or avoid the people we admire because we feel inadequate. Instead, lean into the people you trust, and reach out when you are feeling trapped in your thoughts. Surround yourself with people who encourage and support your growth. Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can provide valuable perspective and motivation. Sometimes, just knowing someone believes in you can be the push you need to move forward.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming that the people in your life have it all figured out. Almost everyone can benefit from having support and someone to be accountable to. Rather than telling yourself that you’re a burden who needs extra motivation, become curious about how you might support someone in your life in return. Accountability buddies can form a mutually-inspiring relationship, where the dynamic of helping one another also helps you help yourselves. How that accountability looks is up to you. Maybe you want to connect once per week to share something you’re working on, maybe each of you feels that a text message asking how your projects are going would be beneficial. Whatever works and feels good for you is what makes sense. Ignore what others are doing if it doesn’t suit your lifestyle and/or meet your needs, no matter how “together” they seem to be. There is no point in trying to follow or come up with a system that neither of you likes because you won’t enjoy what you’re doing and you won’t stick to it.
Your loved ones, contemporaries, mentors, and colleagues can make great accountability buddies, but there may be aspects of your failure to launch and fear of failure that feel bigger than you want to tackle with them. To address these issues, you may attend in-person or online young adults therapy. Those who see us for young adults therapy in Woodland Hills sometimes find that they struggle to set boundaries with the people in their lives, or that they have a hard time reaching out to their loved ones for support. Some of this can be caused by perfectionism and can be worked on. But some of it is also the desire for unbiased feedback, whether good or bad. A therapist isn’t hoping for you to decide that you’re going to school at the same place as them; a therapist isn’t waiting for you to move to your own apartment. A therapist’s only ulterior motive is to find a way to support you and help you achieve the goals you want to achieve. In this way, therapy becomes a safe space to explore what you really feel about the next step(s) you’re considering taking, and how to approach those changes.
When you are able to utilize resources and gain support from different places, such as counseling, family, friends, groups, and more, you can provide yourself with a balanced network. The more diversity you have around you, the greater the wealth of knowledge and care you have access to.
As a young adult counselor in Woodland Hills, I encounter people of all types struggling with a failure to launch. Their reasons may be varied, but the fear that plagues them is the same. Whatever the reason for your fear is, it’s real to you and that makes it a valid issue to deal with. Don’t get caught up in trying to work out how you “should” feel, but rather, accept how you do feel and give yourself permission to get help with it. Everyone moves through life at a different pace, and sometimes it is necessary to slow down or pause. The key is to still have emotional and mental movement; you might pause your career track and take a path to the side that leads you to a new hobby or opens your mind up to new ideas and creativity. There is a difference between finding your own pace and stagnation. Give yourself permission to explore and to make mistakes, and you will find it easier (and more enjoyable) to take your first step forward with confidence and resilience.
Therapy for Young Adults in Woodland Hills
In therapy tailored for young adults, our goal is to understand who you truly are—not the person others expect you to be. We want to explore your emotions, thoughts, the worries that keep you up at night, and your personal goals. By starting Therapy for Young Adults in Woodland Hills, you can gain the skills to build resilience and foster genuine connections with yourself and those around you.
Contact us today for your complimentary 20-minute phone consultation with our Admin Team today!
