Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is often misunderstood as simply a collection of repetitive behaviors or irrational fears, often to do with organization and/or cleanliness. However, beneath the surface, those who struggle with OCD frequently experience deep feelings of guilt and shame. These emotions can act as driving forces behind obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, creating a vicious cycle that exacerbates the disorder. Understanding how guilt and shame play a role in OCD is key to breaking this cycle and working toward healthier coping mechanisms.
Guilt and Shame in OCD
Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that often fuel OCD symptoms. Guilt arises when individuals believe they have done something wrong, even when their fears are irrational or baseless. For example, someone with Harm OCD may feel overwhelming guilt over an intrusive thought about harming a loved one, despite having no intention of acting on it. Another example is that OCD often plagues people with taboo thoughts, thoughts that the sufferer would never choose to have in their mind. This guilt then drives compulsive behaviors, such as seeking reassurance or avoiding certain situations, in an effort to neutralize the perceived “threat” of their actions.
3 Ways to Overcome Guilt and Shame in OCD
- Recognize That Thoughts Are Not Actions:
One of the key ways to combat guilt and shame in OCD is to recognize that having an intrusive thought is not the same as acting on it. Intrusive thoughts are a hallmark of OCD, but they do not reflect a person’s true intentions or desires. By reminding themselves that thoughts are just mental events, individuals can begin to release the guilt they may feel over their obsessions. Those who see us for OCD therapy in Woodland Hills find that it is helpful to practice observing thoughts without judgment and letting them go. This is known as meditation. While you cannot meditate your OCD away, setting aside time to practice feeling neutral about thoughts that arise can help you to feel more neutral overall. When we are able to detach our feelings of worth and pride from our intrusive thoughts, we are better equipped to combat these feelings when our OCD thoughts rise to the surface in our minds.
It can be helpful, when you do experience a thought that gives you discomfort, to think of every step you would have to do in order to turn that thought into an action. Every step you did not take was your making a choice that was stronger and more aligned with who you are than your intrusive thoughts were. You may also find that when you actually go along with the thought, you experience a true aversion to what it would entail. This tactic is best discussed and tried with a mental health professional to see if it’s a good fit for you; it can lead to self-punishment or a trauma response in some cases. If it works for you to imagine the thought through to its conclusion, this can also serve as a form of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (more on that later).
Come up with compassionate responses to your thoughts that affirm your ability to make choices and that the choices you make are sound. These responses are about confronting the thoughts and moving forward, not about denying them. “I don’t want to think about that,” or, “I won’t think about that right now” aren’t very helpful; we often focus on what we’re trying to avoid. Instead, when you encounter a thought that isn’t helpful, or even a thought that is harmful, call it out. “This thought I am having about self-harm is just a thought. I am not harming myself. I am sitting here quietly and using my senses to ground me in this moment.”
Using your senses to keep you rooted in the present can help you connect with your body and regain feelings of control. Take note of what you can see, hear, taste, smell, and feel. While you are focusing on the sensory information that surrounds you, take deep breaths that help you calm your body. Focus on your breathing and one sense at a time; maybe your shirt is soft, or you’re chewing gum. Breathe and let your senses remind you that you are present and that you are the one who calls the shots about your actions; your thoughts are just thoughts.
Remember that your thoughts aren’t who you are. Having a bad thought doesn’t make you a bad person. We experience shame when we absorb the idea that who we are is bad or wrong. Who you are is much more complex and involved than the intrusive thoughts you experience.
- Practice Self-Compassion:
Developing self-compassion is crucial in reducing feelings of shame. People with OCD often hold themselves to impossibly high standards, believing they must always be in control of their thoughts and behaviors. Practicing self-compassion involves acknowledging that everyone has unwanted thoughts from time to time and that struggling with OCD does not make someone flawed or unworthy.
Self-compassion exercises, such as mindfulness and self-kindness, can help individuals replace shame with understanding and patience.
In order to fully accept that you are doing your best, you may want to look into OCD signs and symptoms. Recognizing patterns and that you are not alone in your experiences can help you to be more kind to yourself. The way your OCD manifests may feel unique to you, but chances are good that you are struggling with something that others have had to take on, as well. When you are able to really see the way OCD impacts your thoughts, actions, behaviors, and patterns, you are able to understand how deserving you are of being kind to yourself. You may discover that there are symptoms of your OCD that you never knew were part of your disorder. Armed with that information, you may be able to catch smaller symptoms and take steps to counteract your triggers or to regulate your nervous system before you experience more severe symptoms and side effects. Your ability to provide yourself with care can be crucial when you are going through a particularly trying time.
You may not see the correlation between self-care and self-compassion immediately; the truth is that it is hard to neglect or berate something you have taken consistent time to love. When you partake in self-care, you build a foundation of habits that remind you that you have value. In dark times when you are feeling the opposite, a pattern of showing yourself kindness can go a long way toward helping you remember how to show yourself love again. At the very least, try to get enough rest, food, and water. Try to move your body in a way that feels good to you. Show yourself compassion in your self-care routine as well as in the times when you are struggling with OCD. If you can’t find the energy to have a shower, at least brush your teeth.
If you can’t put away your laundry, at least fold it over and stack it in the hamper so it’s not getting crinkled. If you can’t think positive thoughts about yourself, at least remind yourself that your negative thoughts aren’t necessarily a reliable source. One hallmark of OCD is wanting to get things “right”. Practice being uncertain in your thoughts. For example, when you experience an intrusive thought, your first instinct might be to figure out the “right” way to deal with it. Rather than leaning into that idea, instead, you can talk to yourself in less black-and-white terms. Responding to your thoughts with ambiguity, such as, “I’m not sure if that’s true,” or, “Maybe or maybe not; I don’t know,” can help put you in a more flexible state of mind. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have had the thought and that it’s okay to not know exactly what to do with it.
When you struggle to take it easy on yourself, imagine a friend or other loved one coming to you with the same dilemma you’re facing. Imagine them being hard on themself, judging themself, feeling shame and guilt about who they are, what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling. How would you speak to that person? What would you say and do in order to make them feel loved and supported? Would you think twice about reminding them that you are there for them, that you know that they don’t mean anyone any harm, and that their OCD doesn’t make them a bad person? If not, then you have every right to extend yourself the same care and compassion.
- Engage in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy:
Exposure and Response Prevention is exactly what it sounds like: an exposure to a thought, and working to prevent an unhealthy and/or unhelpful response to that thought. ERP is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Qualified mental health professionals are able to administer Exposure and Response Prevention therapy to help manage OCD. ERP therapy, the gold standard treatment for OCD, directly addresses the guilt and shame associated with the disorder. By gradually exposing themselves to their obsessions without performing compulsive actions, individuals can learn that their fears are unfounded. This process helps to reduce the emotional weight of guilt and shame over time, as they begin to see that their thoughts do not lead to harm or wrongdoing. Working with a trained therapist can help people navigate this process in a safe and supportive environment. As an OCD therapist in Woodland Hills, I see the difference made by those who attend in-person or online OCD therapy and utilize ERP as one of their tools.
The idea of the exposure itself may bring on much anxiety for you, and that is part of the process. We cannot avoid triggers and exposures in life, yet unfortunately, many of us try our best to do so. This leads to a smaller and smaller existence, as well as energy and time spent trying to control a world that cannot be controlled. The fear of exposure, over time, can do far more damage than an actual trigger might do. When you have the confidence to confront your triggers and know that you are resilient enough to get through them, it makes your day-to-day life more manageable, as well as making those instances of exposure easier on you.
Normalizing exposures takes away so much of their power. If someone tells you not to think about elephants, you will suddenly be thinking about elephants. When we tell ourselves we can’t eat a certain type of food, or go to a certain place, or any other sort of restriction, we find ourselves ruminating about that thing we “can’t” have. Similarly, when you try to avoid thinking compulsive thoughts or tell yourself you are forbidden from thinking them, you will experience them.
When you’re able to manage your OCD, you are better able to mitigate your guilt and shame. ERP can help you to confront taboo thoughts, intrusive ideas, and other aspects of your OCD that cause you to think poorly of yourself. Furthermore, when you are able to observe these thoughts and speak to yourself about how little they reflect you, you are able to let go of the idea that you are doing something wrong, or are yourself wrong in some way. It is only through normalizing our issues that we take their power and stigma away.
You may experience a lot of anxiety about sharing some of your thoughts and feelings during your ERP therapy sessions. In order to know what to expose you to, your therapist will have to know what sorts of thoughts you are dealing with. Remember that your therapist understands how intrusive thoughts in OCD manifest. Your therapist will not hold your taboo thoughts and feelings against you; they only want to help you work through them. Your comfort and feeling of safety are paramount. What you disclose is private, and likely something your therapist has heard or heard about before. Communicate when you are struggling with transparency so that you can be effectively guided through your sessions.
Your feelings of guilt and shame may have led to you self-isolating in the past. Maybe you didn’t know that others had similar experiences, maybe you were afraid of being misunderstood. When we think about being vulnerable, one of our greatest fears can be that we open up, admit we need help, and then no one is there for us. No one understands what we mean, or is able to show us empathy in our struggles. This fear is one we hear about in our Woodland Hills OCD therapy sessions. If in the past you didn’t get the response you wanted or needed, or you tried to open up but couldn’t find the words to say that made you feel that you had communicated properly, please know that there is support available for you, there are people who understand, and furthermore, that those people are more than willing to do the work to ensure that you know you are understood.
OCD Treatment in Woodland Hills
OCD goes beyond the common behaviors like hand-washing or repeatedly checking locked doors. It can also impact your relationships, driving, or even emerge during postpartum. To break the OCD cycle and make lasting changes in your life, it’s essential to work with our OCD specialist, either in Woodland Hills or virtually. Our treatment approach includes ERP, CBT, ACT, and mindfulness techniques tailored to help you manage OCD more effectively.
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