Relationships can be both rewarding and challenging, and when one partner has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), these dynamics can become even more complex. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by symptoms such as inattentiveness, hyperactivity, hyperfocus, and impulsivity. These symptoms can lead to partners feeling neglected as their partner cannot dial in to them, or is fixated on something else, or makes rash decisions that impact the relationship.
These issues can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and frustrations in a relationship. However, with understanding, patience, and effective strategies, couples can navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more supportive partnership. Concerns about losing or mistreating a partner come up among our patients who see us for ADHD therapy in Woodland Hills. You may have had a hard time navigating your ADHD in relationships in the past, or your partner might have ADHD and this is your first experience with it.
ADHD in Relationships
ADHD can manifest in various ways that impact relationships. Common symptoms like forgetfulness, distractibility, and difficulty organizing tasks can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of frustration for both partners. For the partner with ADHD, managing daily responsibilities and maintaining focus can be a constant struggle. The non-ADHD partner might feel neglected or burdened by taking on a disproportionate share of household or parenting duties. Additionally, impulsivity associated with ADHD can result in hasty decisions or comments that might hurt the other partner’s feelings.
3 Relationship Tips for When One Partner Has ADHD
1) Foster Open Communication and Empathy:
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, especially when ADHD is involved. Partners should openly discuss how ADHD affects their relationship and share their feelings without judgment. This helps in building empathy and understanding. Regular check-ins can be beneficial for addressing any issues or concerns before they escalate.
As an ADHD Counselor in Woodland Hills, I know firsthand the importance of being able to express emotions in a healthy and productive way. Your partner should not be expected to read your mind, nor you theirs. Open communication is about being honest and productive in conversations. This means that you speak in order to be understood and listen in order to understand.
When it comes to discussions about challenges brought on by ADHD, keep in mind that the goal should be to solve the problem itself, not to place blame or determine who is “responsible.” If you and your partner can approach communication from a place of mutual respect and the goal of happiness, you will find it easier to speak honestly. The more often you communicate, the easier it will be to start conversations about challenges and the more understanding you will have of the other person in order to comprehend their point of view.
It should feel safe for the ADHD partner to say, “I am very overwhelmed right now, and I’m not able to make a decision about that at this moment,” just as it should feel safe for the non-ADHD partner to say, “When I don’t hear from you when I expected to, I feel anxious and hurt.” There is no way to solve a problem without first identifying it. Come to a mutual agreement that your goal is that both of you are happy and feel respected, and that means sharing honestly.
In order to practice open communication, recognize that ADHD is not the only thing you have to talk about. The habit of sharing how you’re feeling (good and bad), addressing setbacks, and being curious about the other person is important to nurture. If you only try to communicate with openness and empathy when discussing ADHD-related topics, it’s going to be much more challenging. Apply active listening and curiosity to all conversations you have with your partner. Do your best to stay focused on learning and supporting in all communication, whether it’s about family, work, friends, or any other topic.
Both partners have a part to play when it comes to applying your communication skills to ADHD-related subjects. Open communication from a partner who has ADHD might look like sharing when something is feeling overwhelming, explaining how it feels to be stuck in hyperfocus or paralysis, and being transparent about the issues you’ve identified as stumbling blocks through the years. The non-ADHD partner will benefit from sharing how they feel and what they see, as opposed to assigning an assumption about or blame toward the other person. Both of you should set the goal of explaining how you feel and what your experience is without assigning blame or making accusations.
Set aside time for conversation. Everyone has times in their lives when they are busier when they are under stress from external factors like work, illness, or family issues. Losing track of quality time for connection happens easily in these situations. There will always be times when an emergency takes top priority. When you have regular communication practice and have built a foundation of mutual understanding, those emergency situations don’t do as much damage to your relationship.
2) Implement Organizational Strategies:
Structure and organization can greatly benefit a relationship where one partner has ADHD. All treatment for ADHD requires some sort of organizational system. A big challenge that ADHD presents is often a struggle to create and maintain a method of staying on top of everything, as attention regulation is the main side effect of ADHD. All the good intentions in the world aren’t going to get the note written in the calendar, get the alarm set, or any other organizational strategy. You have to cultivate effective systems and stick with them.
Often, the task of keeping account of what events are coming up and how the schedule is going to work falls to the non-ADHD partner. Creating a shared calendar for important dates, appointments, and household tasks can help keep things on track. This way, each person can add to the information; being able to look at the calendar to see if a day is open eliminates issues of double-booking and also ensures that each person has the opportunity to make a note of what is coming up for them. If that shared calendar is in an app, this also reduces the chances that the person with ADHD will try to remember to look when they get home and then forget to check. Utilizing an at-home wall calendar can help to ensure that confirmed events are plotted out in a way that allows for an overview of a week or month. Being able to see reminders and obligations at a glance is a great way to keep an eye on work-life balance, self-care time, and high-priority events.
When it comes to projects that arise or are ongoing, develop a system that allows the ADHD partner to participate. Being overwhelmed by projects or paralyzed trying to determine how and/or where to begin is something that can happen all too easily to people who have ADHD. Break tasks into manageable steps and set reminders to ensure nothing is overlooked. Organizing tasks means prioritizing. There may be some high-priority items on your list that are shared by your partner and others that are not. If this disparity helps to divide labor, use that to your benefit. In cases where something is a high priority to you and a low priority to your partner, consider how necessary it is to the overall function of the household.
If the partner who does not have ADHD tends to take on more organizational responsibility, consider how that can be balanced. What decisions or planning can the ADHD partner take on in order to help with the mental load? What tasks give the partner who has ADHD a nice dopamine surge; are there certain chores or errands that the ADHD partner is happy to take on and handle on their own? This doesn’t mean that the partner who has ADHD gets the first pick of all tasks; it’s about aiming for equal distribution and sharing the workload.
Remember, just because you make an organizational plan or come up with an idea about how to manage doesn’t mean you have to stick to it forever. Sharing our lives with another person is a series of changes and evolutions, regardless of if anyone has ADHD. It is reasonable for you to try out a system and then adjust or abandon it if it doesn’t work for you. Take the pressure off yourselves. Each of you is likely to find ways you function best with organizing and may need to troubleshoot how to use those methods in complementary ways. Be patient and gentle with yourselves as you work it out.
3) Seek Professional Support and Education:
Couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial for partners navigating ADHD. A therapist experienced in ADHD can provide tailored strategies and support to help manage symptoms and improve relationship dynamics. Additionally, educational resources about ADHD can empower both partners with knowledge and tools to better cope with the challenges it presents. Whether you attend in-person or online ADHD therapy, you can learn and practice tools and behavior changes that support and sustain your relationship with your partner. A professional may or may not recommend exploring medication for ADHD, but therapeutic interventions will always be beneficial when it comes to navigating the impact of ADHD on your life.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a method of ADHD treatment that focuses on identifying thoughts and patterns and adjusting behavioral responses to thoughts. Both partners can benefit from understanding how CBT works, especially in the early days of implementing it. Both partners can also put it to use; unhelpful thoughts and actions can be difficult to cope with on both sides. For example, if you understand why you’re procrastinating, are kind to yourself about it, and take productive action, that is far more beneficial than speaking unkindly to yourself. If your partner understands this information, they can not only choose kind thoughts and actions in response to your procrastination but also help you identify when you’re falling into old thought patterns and behaviors, as opposed to those you’ve decided to work toward.
CBT can adjust your thought processes from those of catastrophizing (i.e., “I’m going to lose my relationship”); generalizing (i.e., “This one error reflects everything I do”); and projecting (i.e. “I am a burden to my coworkers and they resent me”). Taking note of these thoughts and thought processes helps you to combat them with adjusted thinking, such as, “I made a mistake, which I sometimes do; I will slow down and check my work more closely next time.” This can be applied by both partners when it comes to relationships as well when either of you wishes you had said something differently or when you didn’t make time and space to deal with the situation the way you might have liked.
Something we talk about and work on in our Woodland Hills ADHD therapy sessions is coming to terms with ADHD as an individual, as well as within a relationship. If your ADHD diagnosis came recently, you may be in the process of navigating ADHD for the first time. A diagnosis of ADHD as an adult can impact how you feel about your past and your future; there may have been issues in childhood that you now realize weren’t your fault or tools at your disposal that you never knew you needed. If you are a non-ADHD partner, having a place to go to unpack the process on your own can also benefit you in helping you navigate your relationship with confidence and understanding.
Regardless of any mental health diagnosis, couples counseling can provide a neutral space where a third party is available to help you and your partner understand one another. Sometimes, a little bit of guidance and support can help to break through communication barriers; while you work on expressing yourself correctly, someone who can help you to find the words that match your intent can really save you from the disruptions of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
There is no one-size-fits-all for relationships, ADHD, or any other situation you might encounter in this lifetime. What matters is what your goals and priorities are and how you approach your pursuit of happiness. In a couples relationship, one partner having ADHD can present an additional challenge, but so can a lot of things. If you are both committed to being in a mutually respectful and loving relationship, then you can take strides to make that work. Communication and a willingness to adjust and learn are going to count for much more than an ADHD diagnosis will. There will be times that are harder and times that are easier, but they can be navigated with the right effort and practice. Make sure that both partners are able to set aside time for self-care, that you are prioritizing connecting and working together as a pair, and that you have a support network to reach out to for help when things are hard. Through ongoing work and understanding, you can reduce the impact of ADHD on your relationship and continue to grow together.
ADHD Treatment in Woodland Hills
ADHD symptoms can show up in personal and professional relationships, not just tasks or daily activities. For example, ADHD symptoms can make it difficult for a person to summarize their thoughts and verbalize them in a direct fashion, leading to feelings of overwhelm and stress in relationships. ADHD Treatment in our offices in Woodland Hills is designed to identify the unique challenges of your ADHD brain and create action steps that can be easily and effectively integrated into your life.
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